


night's decor

by formeldehyde



Series: tetra heart [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Drug Use, Gore, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Past Child Abuse, Prostitution, Psychosis, Rape/Non-con Elements, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Running Away, Schizophrenia, Sex Slavery, Smut, Suicide Attempt, all of the gross stuff is past trauma not between the main characters, just in flashbacks, not between josh and ty, settle in seattle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 06:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 36
Words: 30,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10077959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/formeldehyde/pseuds/formeldehyde
Summary: summer spills across tyler's eyes and josh chases the boy trapped in his head





	1. holy night

summer meant everything to tyler. winter was fear, it was ice cold emptiness and the shadows that fogged his vision made his life miserable. but with summer came light, it came freedom from the toxic mediocrity of prison cell class rooms.  
in summer , he could be home, with his windows open, letting the sounds of the night to pour into his room like warm honey and faerie songs. his mind would flood with beautiful delusions of angels, of holy glowing eyes, of the heavenly stardust that pumps through his veins and out his irises. the dreamy music of the evening would lure him outside, out his window, down the moss covered tree with an old tire swing, and into the forest. that's where he felt alive, his head swimming in the psychosis of flushing his pills. the sky a breeze bruised blue, long shadows of the trees melded into choruses of singing angels, adorned with hundreds of eyes and six pairs of wings. the heads of dogs, rabbits and lambs. they watch over him as he climb their limbs their legs and arms littered with golden scars, up, up, up, to the forest tops and allow the moon and stars to look down on him. there he would drown in the angels songs, let his body be bathed in holy light, the distant calls of the name he hates are muffled by miles of horizons full of headlights on a buzzing interstate. he dreams of following the forest, of becoming one with the earth and heaven. he prays that he will become an angel too.  
summer days are so bright the eyes disappear, the angels songs are whispers and he's stuck in the clouds. the summer storms, the angels scream and cry, stuffing his body with scripture. he lays in the meadow, his dirty soul becomes baptized in the warm rain, skin soaking and dripping. the eyes blink and strike down the angels that have disobeyed, splitting them down their spines, it's a reckoning, a cleansing. as the storm clears and the sky is a splattering of color, tyler breaths in the air soaked in angel blood and rotting earth. he sleeps.


	2. dreamer's sleep

sleep feels more true than reality, it feels sure. tyler dreams of the things he wishes for. he dreams of white wings growing out of his spine, ripping his skin and spreading wide behind him. he flies, feeling the warm air wrap around his body and carry him into the clouds. there, the sylphs and angels sing their songs, he can breathe deeply. the mountains of his mind are a calm morning. however, those are the dreams. tyler is not without nightmares. broken windowpanes, thinning rope and the angels cast down from heaven penetrate his heavenly visions. the clouds darken as the demons will crawl out of the frozen earth. the dry dirt will cake under their claws as they rip apart tyler's skin. he will scream and scream, their words wrapping around his throat. he chokes and coughs, they speak of life without warmth, of the blotchy hazed bits of childhood tyler doesn't remember, he can't explain the hot tears that rush down his cheeks.   
tyler will wake in a quick breath, sitting upright, taking in his surroundings. now he finds himself shaking, drenched in holy water, jeans covered in wet earth. the demons and angels have either sunk back into the earth, or retreated into the clouds. all that remain are the soft purgatory faeries. he smiles at the wisps of light that paint his vision. the gentle hum of elf whispers and pixie songs tempt him further into the woods but a louder desperate voice carries him to the big empty house. tyler's stomach churned as his baby fawn legs stumbled onto the porch and he was brought into the cage of a woman's arms. she whispered words that felt like cuts and he was dirty. he wished for another summer storm to wash away her hands on him. no matter how hard he scrubbed his skin under the hot spray of manmade rain, he could not feel clean, not even when his flesh turned red and pooled at the drain. he closed his eyes, letting the red fall away. tyler doesn't like being inside. all the songs are distant echoes, the bad voices are louder. his room reminds him of winter too much, of cold gore, shadows hiding in sharp corners and days spent huddled over his journal writing down every thought, every sentence he hears. when the eyes first opened up to him, he had scrambled to cling onto this room, onto the dirty mattress and orange bottles of pills. he attempted to document every distorted thought, every belief, to explain the rotting of his brain and to deny the power of the eyes. this incessant continuous need to assess his thought poisoned tyler the light, his own pen was his near end. the carpet still has the large stain from last december. he remembers the floor crumbling underneath his bleeding hands, he fell back into the sun and into the clouds. tyler hates his room.


	3. dogteeth

wrapped in a heavy blanket, sprayed with tainted morning light, tyler hears a soft knock on his door. his body freezes, golden blood stilling as he watches the knob slowly turn. his heartbeat calms as a boy with baby blue hair slides inside. tyler feels a pang of guilt in his chest, he forgets people a lot, including the person standing in his doorway currently. tyler used to be far more caught up with the world of humans and routine than he is now, he had downed so many numbing horrible horrible pills in attempt to hold onto the life he was never meant to have. angels had no place on this earth.   
"hi ty." tyler was right. angels had no place on this earth. so as to why the boy in front of him was soft, with cherub like features, curled hair and pale skin, bathed in a heavenly morning honey light, tyler was unsure.   
tyler remembers in a soft chirp of a bird outside that the boy's name is josh. "josh." it fits him. it's a biblical name- joshua. he hears the angels hum in agreement. cherub joshua practically is painted on tyler's ceiling, white wings and rosy cheeks.  
josh's face seems to soften at tyler's response. he asks the question that tyler doesn't understand and tyler replies with the answer people want to hear. the cherub walks closer and rests on the corner of the mattress.   
"i miss you," josh speaks softly, warm eyes meeting tyler's gaze. the cherub is sad, tyler can see it in the colors that wrap around his body. his soul is light but right now he is shrouded in darkness. his shaking hand reaches out towards tyler, who hesitantly places his own hand on the cherub's. josh's skin is soft, it's familiar, it's a hazy memory of red and blue, of firsts and of sunsets.   
     "i'm not gone." tyler is here, as he always is. drifting in and out of the forest, signing to the eyes and hiding from the rest of the world.   
     "you're gone inside your head," josh's voice is honey and caramel, his tone wistful. the cherub's hand tightens around tyler's, like he's trying to pull him back, like he's clawing for someone hidden underneath tyler's skin. it was a similar feeling as to being caged, but it was more desperate and less painful. josh looked at him with this terrible longing that made the misplaced organs in tyler's body churn and twist.   
     "come with me." tyler smiled, taking josh's other hand. "you'll understand, cherub. you'll see the eyes and angels, you don't belong here." if tyler could make josh open his eyes, if he could make the eyes open up to him, josh would see his own light.   
     josh's eyebrows scrunched together but nodded. tyler took this time to see josh. to take note of the odd familiarity of his features, his puffy cheeks and warm eyes. his skin was milky and tyler was briefly reminded of a darker time, where his light heavenly visions were void and his mind was plagued with sin- with anger, blood and hunger. with those cold charred demons urging tyler to devour those lesser than himself. josh's skin was delicious made of milk and honey. tyler ignored the lust burning deep in the jumble of organs stuffed inside him. he focused on the fact that he had a fledgling angel in his care, that he can form and create holiness and heaven in his body.   
     tyler grinned, bearing his teeth and the canines he sharpened after he dreamt of hellhounds ripping him apart. he saw josh recoil slightly at the dogteeth smile. "hell hath no mercy," tyler explained, sitting up and  pulling josh across the room to his window. "i can show you."  
"okay."  
tyler dragged him out the window, down the tire swing tree, and into his familiar woods, where he could hear the soft chiming of pixie songs. as the early light washed between the trees not yet angels, tyler sits down in the clearing where he was cleansed. josh follows, soft wings ghosting behind  him as he sits on the grass, wet with dewdrops and faerie tears.  
     "if you're calm, they will come with the wind." tyler said, breath pouring out between his lips. he felt, in tiny bursts of energy and wisps of light, the faeries begin to come back from their hidden homes in the bones of the sleeping angels. tyler prefers the company of the gentle people of the forest than humans. humans are greedy, they're more demon than angel. they're destruction, cold gray hospice and artificial fire. that's why tyler is having a problem with the baby blue cherub sitting in front of him. he's not human but he thinks he is, tyler sees it in his shaking hands and nervous eyes. he is ignorant to the light beneath his pale flesh, there's holy flames burning in his heart.   
      "what am i looking for?"   
      "you." tyler grins again, canine scraping the bottom of his lip. he can feel the faeries as they buzz around him, most as quick wisps of light but a few larger ones dancing around the boys in a circle of soft earth. he stands up, breathing in deeply allowing the sunlight to pour over him. "can't you see them, cherub?"   
     "why do you keep calling me that?"  
     "you'll see. just open your eyes, josh."  
      josh sunk into himself. tyler felt guilty again. what was he doing wrong? "is there something wrong?"  
     "n-no...just i-" josh's dark earth eyes were glassy.  
     tyler stepped forward, wiping the warm liquid off of josh's face. "we were close? red and blue, right?"   
     josh nodded. "v-very."  
     "you can tell me about it later." tyler brought his finger to his mouth, licking the cherub tear off it. "it's holy water," he explained. "you are a cherub, more angel than human. not quite an angel though. i can see it. i'd like to be close again, cherub."   
      josh's chubby cheeks turned rosy pink, the faeries around him kissed softly on his skin. "i'd like that too."


	4. gapped tooth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: references to sexual abuse

they spent the whole day in the forest, underneath the sleeping wings of the angels. tyler liked josh, he didn't criticize the way tyler spoke, he was soft and kind. it was clear he was familiar with tyler's frazzled, scrambled speech. tyler did wish that josh would stop looking at him with teary eyes. tyler knew josh must've known him during the part of his life that was vhs static and memories that come back in split second dreams. tyler didn't think much about the past, it was littered with red frostbite and empty empty gray, but if josh was a part of it he might want to.   
"how did you start seeing the angels?"  
     "i didn't start seeing them, they've always been there i was just too blind to see them, cherub. i stuffed my brain with pills and they numbed my sight, i was empty."  
     josh nodded, eyes fluttering to the clouds above him, the soft swirls of over saturated color clinging onto the sky. tyler knew that josh's eyes were wondering about the clouded stardust of tyler's irises. josh could be angelic, he was just limiting himself. tyler smiled, cheeks rosy and face dotted delicately with angel kiss freckles. he pulled josh's face from the clouds, their faces barely inches apart. "Tell me about us, cherub."   
"We were best friends." Josh cast his head down, fiddling with his thumbs. "i've known you since we were eight, we met at church." josh giggled, "you hated it...i did too." his eyes glasses over, fairy dew drops dotted his cheeks. "you were always in your head and in the woods, i would follow you wherever you went. but uh...as we got older, some stuff changed. we were d-different. we couldn't see each other much, your mom is very protective of you-"  
Tyler shifted, the stomach studded behind his brain and next to his appendix churned, he felt queasy. he could hear the static. fuzzy, mind numbing haze began to drown out josh's words and everything around them. he was underwater, nixies and water nymphs no where to be seen though, fairy songs were gone and the cherubs story was distant and distorted. his caramel voice was warped and all tyler could hear was "home" "mom" and "diagnosis". everything turned to cold watered down ash, dirty, grave soil stuffed into tyler's mouth and dried his throat.  
     memories forced themselves onto the projectors on the back of tyler's eyes. the nights got colder and the summer fairies lay to rest, fluorescent light poisoned soft sun glow and after the incident, those conversations ceased. josh's skin was nothing but flesh to tyler and tyler was numb, he was living dead and his body was a skeleton. tyler was as a cold, rotting carcass on the highway. old home video- empty gaps in his memory and in his gums, tyler didn't want to remember, he wanted to be ignorant. he wanted to be that deer splattered across the intersection so he never had to think about it again. he locked those thoughts away in a box with his baby teeth and his sanity. but never the less, he remembered and he could feel the cold manicured hands roaming over his skin, old yellow bruises, tears and get off get off get off. he could smell her, the sickening hairspray and rat poison-melatonin mixed into his food. he threw up spilling straight acid out of his hollow stomach, he can hear josh's cries and feel him somewhere trying to help. he didn't want him to, he didn't want to hurt josh. that's why tyler locked his door on the day after his birthday, december 2nd.  
     "tyler? what happened? are you okay?" the hazy distortion of josh's voice was fading as the stardust in tyler's eyes began to refocus.   
      "i-i can't be here," tyler stuttered out. "s'sleepy and bad... her nails are claws are demons she ripped me apart josh i can't be here!"   
     "okay okay, lets go inside yeah?" josh stood up, holding his hand to a shaking boy.   
      tyler whined in the back of jus throat, "No!" his breathing picked back up, "n-not that house, cherub its poisoned."  
      josh nodded, and decided to just pick tyler up off the ground. he scooped him the too tiny too skinny angel up into his arms and carried him out of the woods and into josh's beaten up car. tyler has his eyes squeezed shut and he clung to josh's neck like a life line.   
      the cherubs arms were strong, tyler felt warm but his bones were still shivering, his chin still damp and rancid smelling. with the hazy memories of her and of pain and cold, there was an undertone, josh brought red and blue, dry summer familiarity and something-something remnant of a heavenly warmth of heat in the pit of tyler's empty stomach. resemblance of hunger and a dreamy desire for something. it's what the angels promised for him and what the fae would sing of in early spring mornings and hot summer nights. josh was a cherub, and with his wings and in white and red, he brought valentine poison arrows -love.


	5. cupid guts

josh's room was warm, it was full of this overwhelming fondness. he had glow in the dark stars splattered messily on his ceiling and the air was a warm, blushed cheek, morning honey light through the cloudy haze. tyler giggled accidentally, swirling around the holy land of a cherub's space. "you're room is so... warm."  
josh laughs, "i can turn the ac on if you want, or crack the window."  
tyler looses it, giggling uncontrollably, "not warm warm just... warm, like your cherub curly hair and honey." he walks closer to josh, raising his hands to run through the light blue curls on josh's head. "blue isn't warm, cherub."  
josh smiles, "what about pink?"  
tyler's crooked, pointed smile flashes again, as he flaps his hands and nods. "baby baby pink! peachy warm glow, joshua."  
***  
it was mid-may. they were in josh's bed, soft music echoing through the room. tyler was curled in his boyfriends lap, babbling nonsense, how josh's flesh was surely made of angel cake and that tyler could feel divine eyes how he could hear secret angel and sylph songs in the wind.   
josh was used to this, tyler was always full of purpose and sight. his brain was full of pixies and grandiose delusions, he spoke of them as suggestions more than of fact, but josh knew tyler truly believed in the malfunctioning of his brain. many, including tyler's family, would call tyler slurs that made his big brown eyes water. josh would never, ever, call tyler crazy. not even when he would stop babbling, eyes unfocused and being completely disconnected from the world around him. josh knew tyler was dissociating, josh knew every one of tyler's symptoms. he knew tyler's full diagnosis backwards and forwards. josh just wanted to know how to help. tyler was the most important thing in josh's life, tyler was his angel and josh was his guard dog. short, strong and protective. tyler knew better though, he could see the warmth and softness that surrounded josh in a honey colored glow. josh needed tyler far more than tyler needed him. josh didn't like to think much on that thought.   
"trees are odd," tyler said, cutting off his own rant. his neck craned toward josh, bringing his hand laced with josh's to his mouth, absentmindedly biting and nibbling on josh's as well as his own fingers. he loved the taste of josh's oddly soft skin, he loved every organ and blood cell that made up joshua dun.   
"why's that?"   
"they're ancient, some of 'em are lil saplings but the redwoods are thousands of years old! they're angels."   
josh hummed in agreement, "forests of angels?"   
tyler smiled widely, crooked but dull teeth flashing. "forests of angels haunted by faeries."   
josh let out a giggle, moving his hands to tyler's waist, nuzzling into the crook of tyler's neck and breathing in the warmth and earthy flowery scent of tyler's skin. "i love you, ty."  
"i love you," tyler smiled.   
***  
that memory...it didn't force its way onto tyler's eyelids. it washed over his brain in a soft cloud of haze and light and it caused a soft blush on tyler's cheeks and the tip of his nose. "w-we dated?" tyler asked and he couldn't hide the pointy, crooked tooth grin that spread across his face.   
josh's smile dropped and he fell onto his mattress. "um...yeah. we were never official b-but..."  
tyler smiled, "s'okay..." tyler's leg shook against the floor, "what happened?"   
josh looked a bit taken aback, his heart shaped eyes glassing over. "i-uh." josh faked a cough and something in tyler's heart twisted. it was his fault, he was sure. josh was warm and kind and giving and tyler was dark and cold and only the glowing eyes gave him the bright burning holiness that charred his lungs and ribs.  
"i'm sorry," tyler was unsure of what he was apologizing for but the runes carved into his bones started to itch. tyler's eyes filled with honey and cupids when he looked at josh, but the idea of there being something that ripped the angelic purity of josh out of tyler's otherwise, static poisoned sickly bruised past, made guilt burn like searing heavenly tears in every inch of tyler's body.   
"no tyler it uh..." josh scooted closer to tyler, grabbing his hand. "when... december happened, you forgot everything and uh...f-forgot me."


	6. lost halo

tyler's breathing, the slow inhale of lilac gas and exhale of sin, was uneven but not panicked. it was wrapped in a chanting apology of "I'm sorry m'sorry joshie i wish i could remember you i-i can see memories but i can't remember you i cant stitch you together, you're all dismembered and scattered in the dirt." joshs identity was ripped into separate guts and limbs, they had been burnt and drown in graves.   
tyler was being watched constantly, the eyes, but josh's soft eyes on him burned more than the glowing ones ever did. they burnt a forgotten love, forgotten promises and pure guilt into tyler's skin. tyler's shaking hands drifted to his bare forearms, still bumpy and disfigured with odd dents and scars, fingernails digging into any fresh or healing wounds, dragging them slowly and deeply down his arm. a wash of calm and of divine power rushed through the roads of tyler's veins but not for too long. josh's painted nails were suddenly laid over tyler's own grown out but bitten ones and josh pulled tyler's hands away, keeping them interlaced with his own.  
"tyler, it's okay. it's not your fault. after you... after december, you went away and when you came back you didn't remember anything or anyone." josh's eyes were freely spilling watery honey out of his tear ducts, the midday sun slipping through the window glittered in the liquid as it fell down josh's pale puffy cheeks. "i'm not- i wasn't ever mad at ya, ty. i just miss ya' that's all. your m-she told me i shouldn't come to visit you because it might upset you but it's summer now and i figured if there was ever a good time."  
tyler nodded in agreement, still unsure about all of this information and trying not to think about the fact that she has spoken to josh. he decided to ignore all of these overwhelming facts all of these half memories floating around his head like the halo he dreams of. he meditates on that instead- he lets the distant faerie songs that are faint whispers through josh's window carry him away. he feels the magnetic force of his lost halo, and he follows it through the forest- the faerie glades and into the sky. there he finds josh, stripped and pure. small wings grace the curves of his back and tyler lets himself fall into josh's arms, lets himself be engulfed by the tiny soft pink feathers and he feels safe. "i wanna remember ya' cherub."


	7. december

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: csa and suicide attempt

deppression was winter, it was breath escaping lungs and that cold empty snow frostbite on pale skin littered with bright red lines. tyler preferred the jumbled, manic haze of delusions and fear to december. it wasn't a time specifically, it was the feeling of hollow pain, dissociative unconnection. tyler's thoughts and visions that pumped from his eyes were energy, they were meaning and mania but december was hell and soggy cigarette ash. the meds may have wiped heaven from inside his head but they also left him in permafrost, eternal winter.

\-----

kelly joseph reined within those icy pits of hell. she hath no mercy other than her own desires. she gave tyler the dog teeth that slid out of his gums. her secret horror was masked by the pastel rosaries that adorned her spray tanned neck along with angel patterns and psalms stitched into pillows on every overly laced couch. her prayer group would never believe what happened in tyler's bunk bed behind locked doors and when all the other kids were asleep. tyler would beg and ask god why it had to be him, but he would never wish this hell on any of his siblings. she had no interest in them anyway. her drunken, sloppy torture was reserved for tyler and tyler only.  
\----  
echoes of gifts. of hollowness and of you're a man now, even when that never stopped her before. this attempt at congratulatory actions not words. her hands that had been absent from his skin reconnecting over his flesh. poisoned poisoned bruises and chemical burns everywhere her hands touched his skin, fitting over old marks that would forever brand him. tyler froze, every cell in his body unmoving and struck with fear. his eyes welled with tears, attempts to exert the panic and dirtydirtydirty out of his blood. bile stirred in his stomach with a wash of her booze breath, abandoned fairgrounds rotting teeth blood soaked blankets and the returning yellow bruises. he closed his eyes as hard as he could, keeping every muscle in his form still. her hands snuck under his jeans and he cried out, lip quivering. it was seconds before her cold- ice cold december hands covered his mouth as she whispered fake words of comfort not his ears. her breath was hot and felt like poison on his neck. it burnt and disfigured tyler's divinity, poured down his spine and started decomposing the purity that tyler had tricked himself into believing he had reclaimed from the vhs tapes.  
that night, tyler's heart began to tear into itself. she slipped out of his door at two am as she cried softly as if it was tyler that was destroying her, not the other way around. the pumping, drumming bird batting it's head against the cage of his ribs was ripping itself apart.   
      by two thirty his jeans and sleeves were soaked with the dirty blood that had to be drained from his veins. it was warm and it stained the carpet next to his bed in a deep spot reminiscent of the bile spilling over his lips because he couldn't shake the feeling of her on top of him. tyler could've gone to heaven that night, he felt that all powerful light honey river pulling him out of his tainted body. but instead of waking up in the soft pure clouds of heaven, he woke in the cold hospice on suicide watch.   
and no memory of anything that happened before that.   
     after that, after the months locked in a cage, he was brought back to another cage. but this one was adorned with frames of suburbia demons with blacked out eyes that surrounded tyler's boney body as he stepped foot into hell.   
     he couldn't handle the winter, though spring was nearing, tyler slit his veins to be free from the hollow pain but now he was bandaged tight and sewn up, on constant watch by a morning star to keep her puppet from snipping its strings again.   
so he dumped pills, washed them down the drain with the pounds of flesh that he had chopped off his arms in attempt to feel. after the orange bottles were as empty as the forests, the faeries drifted back through his window. slowly then all at once. in wisps of light and the chiming of soft bells and light laughter. as his shaking fingers ripped every thread out of his stitches, uncontrollable laughter bubbling underneath tyler's forked tongue. he was free from her as long as he listened to the voices pouring out of the clouds and in from the forest. holiness was near in death, hell haunted the room across the hall, and a broken hearted cherub lived down the road.


	8. birth of venus

"i-i knew it would be best if i didn't talk to you. when your- when she told me you didn't remember me. or anyone. it broke my heart but i understood that seeing you would make it all worse." josh's eyes stayed on tyler, on the nervous shifting of his eyes and the guilt dripping down his face in heavy droplets.  
     "i-i want to remember you." tyler stuttered. josh's memory was still scattered in the mud and it was somewhere, tyler could feel it but he just couldn't find it.   
     "i'm sorry ty."   
     tyler, unable to process his own thoughts, found himself crawling into a taken aback josh's lap. he floated out of his body, letting his corpse fall onto the cherub. "m-make up for lost time? kiss me?"  
     josh's heart eyes widened, his stiff arms relaxing as they rest on tyler's hips. "ty i don't think it's a good idea, your not in your right mind."  
     tyler shook his head, "never am. and it's just a lil' kiss josh. it could help me remember." the red and white and pink of the cupid beneath him was flooding through tyler's skin. his arms resting on tyler's hips felt not like chemical eating away at his flesh, but like warm summer storms engulfing him. josh's thighs felt like they fit perfectly underneath him, tyler could spend an eternity in josh's lap. the passing of seasons, the rebirth and death of angels and faeries would mean nothing other than empty passage of time if josh's wings would stay wrapped around tyler's back.

     tyler leaned forward, resting their foreheads against each other, damp from the humid summer heat. the space where tyler's head met josh's split in two. the muscle and skin ripping apart and melding into each other. tyler's breath shook as he felt hot blood fall onto his lips, tasting of iron and honey. he could feel the pulsing of his heart in their skulls as they cracked in half, allowing the stardust and moonlit clouds to pass between their bodies. tyler's dark seas and ancient forest fires being stitched into fluffy clouds and august snow. and as josh leaned even further, pressing the disfigured gash in his head into tyler's, prisms of light and seas of foam birthed venus from the waves, in cherub hearts floating from the shell she emerged out of, chills shot down tyler's spin as the dark oceans behind his eyelids were being pumped full of stardust and soft snow pouring in from josh's brain. angelic harps were ringing in tyler's ears and he prayed that his cherub could hear them too. 

     when the snow dissipated, and a red hot nebula exploded in heavenly fire onto a lush meadow at night, tyler felt josh's lips on his own. tasting of angel cake and familiarity, not of whiskey. tyler leaned into the kiss, his bloody lips blooming baby's breath and honeysuckles. josh's mouth was sprouting into foxgloves and moss grew out of his cheeks. tyler's eyes opened, the stardust burning bright behind his irises, he took in josh in his entirety. sitting criss crossed on his mattress, wrapped in flowers and moss, faerie dust sprinkled glittering over his freckled face. the middle of his forehead had splattered of red and blue blood surrounded the crack in the universe where josh's divinity had been shared with tyler, and tyler's with his. tyler saw into the heart of heaven, soft feathers, snowflakes and the warmth of a morning sun. the dewdrops falling from tyler's face were unstoppable for he saw not only into the pit of the angelic nebula where holiness was birthed, he saw glimpses of scraped knees, of popsicle stained lips, hands grasped together, cracked sidewalks, of summer spread across tanned skin, church basements, of 8 bit video games, sneaking out of the house and first loves. He saw into joshua's heart and in his brain, the memories of them. tears were burning down tyler's cheeks as their eyes finally met, finally josh's gaze wasn't met with that of a corpse.

"Joshie?'


	9. first hymn

*** 2 yrs ago ***  
tyler wormed his way out of his window around 1am, locking his bedroom for and leaving the window cracked. off the roof and down the tree. his small feet carried his across his yard and into the street, down the clouds divided by a blurry yellow line. he followed the road to the shining beacon of warmth. josh's window, as always, was unlocked. tyler ran across the lawn and forced his scrawny form into the crack in his heart, landing ungracefully and dramatically.   
josh giggled, he was pressed against the corner where his bed met the wall, knobby bruised knees pulled close to his eagle heart chest. tyler smiled, then night air had began to erupt in soft hymns as josh's eyes met his. "hiya, joshie," tyler mumbled, voice stumbling over itself in a soft drawl.  
"hey ty, what's wrong?" josh scooted himself away from the wall and closer to tyler.   
"nothin' for once... jus' wanted to see my bes' friend." tyler laughed as his gaze drifted around the room, light from the orange glowing eyes jammed in the glass casings of street lamps, poured in through josh's open window. as tyler followed the light back to josh, his tanned face flushed strawberry pink as he realized josh was only wearing an oversized grouplove t shirt- tyler's oversized grouplove t-shirt. josh's bare legs were soft, pale and bruised. tyler fought the seas behind his tear ducts as he attempted to avoid the long red scars surrounded by dots marking old stitches that criss crossed over josh's exposed thighs.   
tyler's blush however caught josh's attention, josh quickly slid back. "c-crap! sorry! i forgot i wasn't wearing anythin-" josh tried to get off the bed, but tyler's hand caught his wrist.   
"s'okay. nuffin' i haven't seen before," tyler smirked as he pulled josh back onto the mattress.   
josh nodded shyly but still covered his legs with a small blanket that had been stuffed in the spot between his bed frame and the wall.   
"'mind if i smoke?" tyler asked, already resting against the windowsill.   
"ty-"  
"i know i need t' quit but don't act like you haven't either !"  
"i have!" josh protested, faerie flower lips spreading into a pout.   
"then why s' there a pack of menthols underneath ya pillow!" tyler's face broke out into a cheeky grin, leaning too close to josh, the boy beneath him going still again as his hand slipped behind the boy and underneath the pillow, pulling the white and blue box out from underneath. "hm... whats this?"  
josh sighed, "fine! but i get one too," he giggled.   
tyler smiled, pulling out a lighter and grabbing two cigs from the box.   
josh's eyes darkened, his entire body frozen as tyler lifted his fingers to josh's lips, parting them and slipping the end of the cigarette between them, then lighting it. josh shook himself and pulled the cig away, blowing smoke out his window.   
tyler grinned and lit his own, sighing in relief as nicotine began flooding his brain.  
     "ty?" josh asked, stubby fingers holding the cig out the window.   
     "yeah, j?"  
     "what's it like right now?" josh's voice was small, curious but concerned , laced with broken crystals and nectar.   
     "it's quiet, all i can hear is you."  
     "w-what do i sound like?"  
     "rabbit thumping its feet, you're foxgloves and quartz. ya' pure joshua. they're quiet but my own thoughts about you are loud. your flesh is angel cake and i..."  
       "and what?" josh was impossibly close to tyler now, smoke from his lips hitting tyler's face.   
     "and it makes me hungry." tyler tossed the butt of his cigarette out the window and crushed his lips against josh's. first kiss, first hymn but it was not lace and lavender, it was fire burning truth of divinity, rough, and needy, but behind it was clear as the blue horizon painted with eyes and angels born into oak woods. josh was whimpering beneath tyler, his hands- now free as tyler tossed josh's cig away too- groping desperately at tyler's hoodie. tyler could taste the sugar and tobacco on josh's lips, tyler pulled josh closer, onto his lap. he heard a broken leg deer whimper from josh's throat as tyler's grip on his waist tightened.   
      "i love you," tyler blurted, breath hot and shaky as he pulled away. he did love josh. he loved him in every summer, every skipped class, kissed cheek and every heavenly hymn that echoed loud and incessant when tyler saw josh.   
     josh's chocolate honey bear eyes welled with tears despite the fact that he was still awkwardly dry humping tyler's thigh. "i love you t-too ty."  
       tyler's birdcage heart fluttered as he grabbed josh's face and kissed him again. baby's breath against foxgloves.   
***


	10. purgatory

arms on backwards, placed on as wings and desperation driving off a cliff. iced oceans wrapping tyler in waves and restraints. arms feeling heavier, fingers and forearms stretched and bloated, swaying at tyler's sides as walks. every notch in tyler's spine unhinged and his back as tall as the angel trees. round halos danced around his head and his no pupil no iris eyes, pure white glowing. blood was dripping out of the mouth from the wolf head sewn onto his shoulder, lamb erupting from his chest crying. every scar that marked his skin was replaced with an eye- all knowing and glowing. skin alight with burning rune script. despite his enormity, against every natural and divine law- tyler was trapped. the heavy eyes down his forearms were being forcibly stitched shut by examinants. by white gloves and from within the cage of hell with lucifer himself.   
      the months spent inside the hollow- too artificial fluorescence, were free of chemical burning of her freezing hands, but the cold fingers of those claiming healing with their numbing zombie medication still poked and prodded at his angelic flesh. in attempts at soothing words, they reflect her.   
      she was the only thing tyler remembered outside of the white walls. her hands were burnt into his hips and no amount of blood and pills could strip them off his flesh.   
      everything but her, and the angels and faeries that still sung, was empty. the shrinks attempted to ask him questions, the age of the vessel he was encased in, where he had lived before, if he had any friends. tyler answered the best he could, in a stuttering voice. as old as time, in hell, only other angels and pixies.   
      with very answer he gave, his prescription was upped and tyler learned to sew his lips together and say he didn't know. amnesia was preferred to what they called his delusions. he didn't eat, not that he ever really did, the thin warped, stitched flesh began to cling desperately onto his bones. they didn't know what was under his skin, under his hair, behind his eyes. upside down and underneath the mortal vessel. they couldn't see his divinity, no matter how loud he screamed and bashed his head against the doors begging for them to let him go outside so he could show them. show them the branches and roots of the archangels, and all the fae nesting in the flesh of earth, the elves hiding underneath the hills, the cherubs dancing in the clouds. tyler's vision had been taken. the pills gauged out every eye that hid in his ears and in the hollows of his face. blood poured down his cheeks and he cried for hours and hours.   
     they moved him into the isolation room after only two days, and it was worse. the hymns he used to hear so so faintly through the barred windows, were gone. every natural light, all evidence of life was gone. tyler had ripped and bit into his cheeks and skin in any possible way to feel something.   
     he slept as often as he could, his dreams soggy and ashy, everything felt so far away. he was underwater, being drowned slowly. at least in his dreams he could feel, slight warmth burning underneath his arms and chest. he could hear the consolation from the glowing eyes of the clouds. they whispered to him, one day soon, tyler's oak spine roots would grow. they would split down his back and birth his wings, he could be free and fly into the sun. all he had to do was stop taking the poison, and control the words that left his lips.   
     tyler obeyed, hiding the pill underneath his tongue or he would make himself throw it up. with each pill hidden underneath his pillow, he felt the fire in bones grow. he could hear the voices from through the thick cement walls that trapped him. he began faking his responses to the examinants and demons holding him. and after a few more weeks, cured he was written. stable he was told and he was sent back off into the deepest pit of hell- his mom walked him to her car.


	11. empty vessel

dissociation was a familiar, heavy pressure that hung over tyler's shoulder. in the aftermath of panic attacks and self destruction. blood loss and a completely hollow soul. his wings broken behind him and his brain submerged in cerebral spinal fluid and thunderclouds. every breath felt unnecessary and the tips of his fingers were burnt.   
the fae and angels around him just stared blankly at him, eyes void of irises and simply white, from the corners of his room- or from the trees- from the sky. crashed in the clouds, he could feel his soul leaving his body. his bones emptying, becoming lighter than air as he floated into the stratosphere and somewhere impossibly beyond- not quite heaven.   
the thousand eyed, enormous beings followed him through the void of space and into a white haze. no time no feelings no thoughts. it just was- it is. tyler could feel the weight of his mortal vessel directly beneath him, disoriented and zombified somewhere on earth as his head was wrapped in clouds and mind numbing sylph song.   
his body followed the line of life, the tunnel through every person. leader never known, destination uncertain other than the inevitable death or reconnection with the brain swept up in spaceships and angels. dreaming dead, and listening only to the promises of holy morning light one day engulfing him and leading him into tomorrow.   
the blind sun sets and rises with a million moons. tyler's feet are buried in sand, in the split between two seas. a biblical separation of body and mind. his existence polarized, his vessel and his divinity in two worlds.   
in the not heaven- not purgatory- tyler could breathe in chilled air. his burnt lungs relieving but his stomach still filled with black blood. it dripped out of his nose, his tear ducts when he cried and itched as it dried up in his ears. black tar spit out of his mouth onto pure white snow.   
in this realm- this era time forgot- lightning erupted from a bare branched angel down the road he stood on, in between the dark oceans. the pavement, marked with bright yellow lines underneath his feet, was warm. headlights passed him on either side quickly. no car attached, only a feeling of wind pushing him slightly to either side of the line. his line. panic breeds with emptiness in storm clouds that brew above tyler's head and halo. they rain down and awake the nerves in his vessel. with every crack of electricity, he can hear faint echoes of his own screams coming from the land beneath his wings. he would fear not, feeling his divinity call for him- to finally come home. they're in his mind. he sings softly along with heaven and glowing eyes and angels, clouds above are opening and bleeding down singing hymns from a time non existent.   
the connection is made slowly. as each vein and bone in his body aligns with itself. he plummets to the ground, to the isle of humanity and misanthropy that was taking apart his heart with every passing day. wings burning up and light fading from the sky as his brain settles into the spineless human and he's sitting in front of josh, on his mattress. its summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> today was a horrible day. i dissociated completely the whole day and i can feel every vein in my body floating in front of my body just a centimeter off. my mom literally told me my mental health issues are bc i "drink too much caffeine and don't sleep enough'..... anYWay I'm very proud of this chapter bc its just my thought process throughout today so yea.


	12. reconnection

"t-ty?" josh's unsure voice was a hum after a harp had been plucked.   
all tyler could do was nod, the organs in his skull rattling. his lips spread in a dogteeth smile, fanged and crooked. with every passing second, a new old memory of josh would bubble up in front of tyler and the smile on his face never faltered. tyler would try to show josh divinity, to show him holiness in its purest form. in tyler's dreams, in his head, under his skin and in his veins he was angelic. josh needed to open his eyes, he needed to disconnect himself from the mortal reality. tyler could show him truth and righteousness. tyler would take apart his own heart as well as joshua's, then he would understand the eyes in the uncertainty of sight and sound. in every blurry war in his nightmares he was caught under water, the sky full of eyes projecting dreams onto tyler's vision. but with josh, everything was clear. there was no double face of vessel and angel. there was just tyler, and that was enough because josh was alongside him.   
tyler began to wonder if he was servant to his own body. he had always been wrapped inside his brain- constant questioning and thought. but, even through his dissociation, he would always come back to his vessel. this body had always been a prison that he needed to free himself from in broken bones, deep slices and a second form floating in that purgatory.   
tyler's body now was defined and identified by the liminal spaces of empty deserts and lights of glowing eyes in the night sky. his brain a biblical flood, storms, and the now abandoned garden of eden. the uneven combination of the two causing the war of tyler's own existence.   
but even within this contradiction o self, there was one constant. there was josh. there was a cherub, glitching in tyler's vision. he was everywhere, he was standing in the middle of the empty interstate and he was holding tyler's hand as they walked through the ruins of the ancient garden. tyler could never understand josh, he could ponder however. he could infer that josh knew none of this- that his body was everywhere at once. josh was omnipotent and he was born out of the sky, josh's existence was spread throughout every corner of the earth and of the universe. he stood, in the middle of the forest, foxgloves and quartz growing out of dry cuts in between his shoulders were his wings should be.   
josh was there when the pyramids were built on every continent and in every lost city now sunken beneath the tides. standing, absorbing the life. breathing in the simple happening of time.   
he was throughout time, and space. in every insignificant town throughout empty midwest america, in the bustling overcrowded cities of india, in vast cold space in iceland, the bottom of the ocean and the surface of the moon.  
josh's strong arms hung heavy by his sides, knees locked, jutting out behind his legs in the empty tundra. ice freezing over his pale skin turned blue, he looks like a decomposing corpse been found in a river. he was the corpse. he was the john doe in the basement of every hospital. josh was life and death, having lived every life.   
tyler believed, he understood now better than ever. josh was god.  
josh hushed him, not that tyler was even aware he was speaking, his lips pressed against tylers, and that connection of foxgloves and baby's breath bloomed again, slotting against each other perfectly.   
tyler smiled, resting his tired head against josh. every nerve in his body still just so slightly off but with every breath josh exhaled, tyler could feel his body returning to him. "i can feel you josh... feel you flooding back into my brain. it's red and blue, all wrapped in a lavender pink mist." josh's words calming him, his hands wiping away the feeling of her. josh's purity, his entrancing beauty and fullness of self. "you were the only thing i ever got stuck on that was good in whole. cupid in all you are, soft gentle kindness bleeds from your golden veins. love swirls in your irises and in the flush of your puffy cheeks... that's why you're my cherub. but there's something else, josh you're ancient and divine i think you're a god of old-" tyler blushed, as he continued. "we first kissed...here, i would sneak outta' my house to see you, when we were little people would ask if we were brothers, i always beat you in mario kart, we-"  
josh was crying. bubbling glittery tears fell from his eyes, now encircled with pink petals. he was smiling wide, revealing his perfect teeth. soft sound of hollow ruby flutes floated through the air. the soft, small pink wings spread from josh's shoulders. tyler's heart wrenched as josh threw himself onto tyler, tackling him so they were wrapped in a hug, laying on josh's mattress. josh spoke out a broken sentence, so unlike his caramel honey dripping voice. "i love you." and he did, josh loved this absolutely incredible boy with eyes older than the universe. josh would never understand tyler, his ramblings, the unorganized religion of his delusions, or anything. but josh loved every inch of tyler robert joseph.   
"i love you too."


	13. honey, baby

josh walked tyler home when the sun was setting. tangerine orb settling near the road, making tyler's tan skin impossibly more beautiful and warm. josh's eyes alight with love. they took their time, seeing as tyler would rather spend all his nights and days with josh than go back to the rosary wrapped, hairspray scent headache of a home. 

because of this, they now sat on the curb near the traffic light. josh had pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to tyler, who's face lit up in a shameful smile as he eagerly took it between his fingers and in between his lips. josh lit it for him, the bright orange flame lighting up the shadows that were growing heavier on tyler's face. 

tyler's vessel's dependence on something like a drug made his truth in divinity foggy. it made him question if he truly was ethereal and completely immortal. when the hunger began to burn underneath his flesh like guilt or memories of her- he needed nicotine. he fought this thought, shaking his head violently to keep gold flaked tears in his ducts, just letting himself indulge in earthly pleasures he should be denouncing. the jittery comfort of burnt tobacco flooding through his veins and escaping in smoke out his split lips. 

above all earthly pleasures, though josh was not of mundane world in any sense, he was tyler's greatest sin. tyler spoke this, turning to face josh. "you're my greatest sin, joshua. my selfish indulgence in you... i can't shake it. you're own personal god and i can't just put you out on on the sole of my shoe."

josh, though familiar with tyler's profound ramblings, still found himself confused in his words. "how am i your sin?"

tyler laughed now, taking a deep drag of his cig. "your skin... your lips, your body..." his physical form made every cell in tyler's vessel hot and needy. that part tyler would keep to himself. "but your soul joshie- it's honey golden and glowing and i'm beginning to believe that you have power over the eyes...i think you're god. and if believing in a false god isn't a sin then i don't know what is." josh was not a false god. josh was as true and pure as they come, he was only ignorant to his own omnipotence and his own power. 

so they sat there, two boys. one nearly all skin and bones, freckles dotting over the heavy under eye circles, bare foot, and body covered in blood, bile, and bruises. staring at the other like he was pinned against a cross, pale as a ghost with chipped painted nails, socks pulled too far up, and sky blue- soon to be peachy pink- hair. both holding a cigarette up to their mouths like a microphone, and the other hand tied up with the other boy's free hand. one believing the other is god himself, and the god seeing nothing but wonder in lost eyes.

"why is everything honey?" josh asked. tyler compared everything to the thick, sweetened nectar that dripped from combs and out of bee hives. he said it swirled in his heart, poured out of josh's eyes and in the week long fasts commanded by the eyes, honey and water was all tyler could consume. 

tyler answered almost as if josh had asked the stupidest question in the world. "honey is holy, you see. it's the only fae food that exists in the human realm. it's the life's work of the bug that keeps an entire race alive..." tyler laughed, "you're honey, baby. everything is. but the thing with you is...you'd be here without it. you created it... and me." tyler's eyes drifted to the sky, being held up by the wings of the angels. "i love you."

josh tossed the butt of his cigarette into the street. "i love you, angel." he pressed a kiss against tyler's lips, tugging gently at the overgrown buzzcut atop tyler's skull. tyler keened, knees weakening as he leaned against josh. the cherub's eyes darkened, tightening his grip on the brown moss. "missed this, ty." josh smiled against tyler's lips- tasting so familiar with tobacco and traces of josh on his tongue.

"you're divine sin, joshua dun." tyler nearly growls. with each flood of lust washing through his bones- he is reminded of more of the past. 

*****

josh was grinding onto tyler with desperation dripping from his skin with every bead of sweat. tyler's teeth bit hungrily at josh's perfect lips, devouring him like he was made of candy. and he was. tyler would swear on his life that the pale flesh of josh's delicate but strong form was made of angel cake batter-his dark hair chocolate mocha, lips straight sugar. "you're fucking delicious, joshie," his voice was deeper than normal, grating at the back of his throat, coming out more as a growl.

josh openly moaned- fucking moaned- at tyler's words. it slipped out of his sugar lips like the most beautiful hymn tyler would ever hear. it echoed through every hollow part of his body and stirred deep fire that he couldn't begin to explain. just intense, need, like he was going through withdrawal and josh was his drug. 

tyler rolled his hips up against josh. josh leaned back, pulling tyler's sweatshirt off his small body, now only in short purple boxers. tyler felt the programmed responses of his brain fall page by page. the inside of his mouth went try and he found that mouth being attached right underneath josh's jaw. he bit and sucked on that small piece of angel cake. 

"c-can i-"

"yes," tyler hissed, neediness showing it's true colors.

then it happened. poison, dripped down tyler's spine. chemical burning his nerves. there was no way josh could've known, he did everything right . tyler had never really said anything. but when he felt a hand slide inside his jeans- he stilled. eyes wide- deer caught in headlights. unmoving and unsettlingly compliant. 

josh felt tyler freeze on top of him, his hand quickly pulling away. "ty? i'm sorry, h-here sit against the wall okay let me put m-your shirt back on. ty?" josh's stomach churned with anxiety and guilt. after he had put another shirt on, tyler had slightly repositioned, sitting against the wall but his eyes and mind still focused somewhere else completely. 

this wasn't uncommon for tyler but this time wasn't like all the other times tyler got lost inside his own head. this was like there was no tyler at all. there was a corpse sitting on josh's mattress. 

it took nearly an hour for tyler to realize josh had stopped touching him as soon as he froze up. another two for josh to convince him that josh wasn't kelly, and that tyler was in josh's room. after this had been covered, tyler broke down like something josh had never seen, in all seven years of their friendship. tyler bawled his eyes out, fingernails catching against his skin and trying so hard to rip. he screamed, hitting his head against the wall and begged josh to forget about everything tyler said. 

"ty, it's okay. w-we can just sleep. i'll sleep on the floor o-okay? you'll be safe. i won't touch you at all." josh tried to sound comforting, his words stern but gentle.

tyler nodded, wiping his damp eyes on the sleeve of his hoodie. "y-you can sleep up here." josh was not kelly. josh was nothing like her. josh was small-soft with dark hair and dark eyes, drenched in light and love. kelly was lucifer hidden behind blonde hair and blue eyes. her words were venom being spit onto tyler's face where josh's were caramel sinking into his ears. josh took nothing- expected nothing in return. kelly was selfish, took everything from tyler, used him like a toy for her own twisted needs. she ripped his innocence from him feather by feather and left him in his bed shaking and sobbing, praying to a god he was losing faith in to make him pure again. she was the reason he found god in himself and in josh, found the truth in piousness. josh was not her. josh loved tyler, truly and selflessly. and tyler did not deserve josh.

"are you sure?"

tyler nodded, "you make me feel s-safe. i just..."

"it's okay. you don't have to explain. just tell me what to do and i'll help, ty."

tyler, a sad smile on his lips, looked like josh had just said the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard. his eyes spilled over again as he pulled josh into a hug. "i love you, josh. i love you, this had nothing to do with you."

josh nodded. "i love you more. next time, we should go slower, maybe? i-if there even will be a next time which there doesn't have to be, ca-"

tyler kissed josh, slowly and gently. "there will be a next time." he smiled, wrapping his arms around josh's waist and laying on his chest. they fell asleep together, tangled in each other and the chemical burns scarring tyler's spine and hips burnt a little less- just for that moment.

there was a next time. and as for going slower...josh tried, they both tried, they really did. he asked tyler just about three hundred times if he was okay and if he wanted this. and tyler did. he had josh pinned beneath him and he was sucking and licking at josh's neck like it was the best thing he'd ever tasted. 

it happened slowly then all at once. that red nebula began burning deep in the pit of tyler's stomach, made his feathers itch, when josh walked in the room wearing another big hoodie and no pants-and soft pink panties that tyler knew josh had probably forgot he was wearing. tyler hoped he would never forget the small glimpses of pastel lace when josh bent over to grab the controller for the xbox. then, before tyler even realized he was moving, his hands were pulling josh back onto his lap. and they were kissing, gently at first. then, when tyler's hands fell onto lace- a red cheeked josh was pinned against the mattress. 

it was rough, then it wasn't. more needy than rough, passionfruit and stardust everywhere bare skin slid together. josh's broken whimpers filled tyler's lungs like air and every nerve in his body was singing joshjoshjosh. it was breathy words of i love you and 'fuck'. tyler had his first real orgasm and it was star death- pink mist and cleansing desperation inside of josh. tyler didn't feel dirty. kelly was far far out of tyler's mind because his thoughts were cherub's and honey and the claiming of josh as his. 

*****

josh stopped a house before tyler's, their hands still wrapped together. josh's neck newly marked and tyler's lips strawberry red. "I don't like you being there..."

"I don't either." 

"I love you, tyler."

"I love you, josh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was p much the smut chapter. if you guys want more let me know. as i keep saying each chapter is heavily based on my own shit and today i was horny and really needed a cig so here's this


	14. eyes

tyler refused to use the front door. he hasn't walked in it out of it since he returned from what felt like hospice. when josh dropped him at his house he climbed up the tree and into his window, dropping into his room.   
breath caught in tyler's throat painfully, as he saw her sitting on the edge of tyler's bed. chemicals burned his nostrils, hairspray and cheap perfume surrounding her in a thick cloud. tyler's stomach felt uneasy, nausea radiated through his flesh.   
"tyler." her voice. the one that had whispered venom in his ears, manicures nails he can fill digging into his skin.   
"k-kelly." tyler fought the shakiness of his words. her name was razor blades on his tongue, slicing it apart. he could hear the heavy hum of the universe grow louder, more violent. vhs static ringing from the sky and memories of flashing lights in the basement. cold cement beneath his feet and scrawny knees knocking together.   
she sighed, "im your mother, tyler. don't call me by my first name." the smell now hit his face. whiskey breath hot against tyler's skin as she stood up. she was only an inch or two taller than him but tyler felt so small under her gaze. the crow insider the birdcage of his heart was fluttering- banging against the bars. beginning tyler to turn around and jump out the window, run run toward josh's house and never turn back. but he couldn't. a corpse, limp but unmoving in the middle of his room.  
thankfully, lord thankfully, she leaves. slamming the door and sending tyler's heart into his stomach but she's gone. her remnants still clear on his cheek as he strips quickly, needing to wash the tainted flesh off his body.   
     the water is hot, too soft, chemically treated. it feels slimy on top of tyler's sun-drenched skin. but the soap, the foam and rough rag begin to work off the layer of tyler's skin she slapped. his cheek began to ache after a few minutes of violent, incessant scrubbing. he couldn't stop, not when he could hear dirty dirty dirty blood pumping through his body. the thump thump of his heart as it poured spoiled milk into his veins. blood began to pool st the drain below tyler's feet, being washed away. he realized he had scratched open his stitches on the top of his arm. the world around him glitches, he stumbled out of the shower, dressing quickly and crawling out his window as fast he could.  
     he is drawn like a moth to a flame to josh's house. it's that warmth within the war. tyler is walking down that road, that parts his mind and his heart divides in two. one is tyler, flesh and blood and sleepy compliance to mediocrity and mortal love and pain. the other truth, memories of a hazy heaven and days spent with fae. the all knowing pious hum that forms beyond the manufactured structures that create a physical world.   
     everything goes too fast. the days are blinks of the eye and dreams paint his eyes every time they close. and as for the eyes, floating in heavy clouds above the earth, bathed in light shining like a beacon coming from nowhere. the eyes are the truth, the omnipotent honesty in seeing the world for what it is. acceptance of pessimism and rejection of mortality, embracing of divinity within human bones.   
     the eyes themselves burn yellow and red. they are a smiling, holy entity. the days of eyes are mania. chanting of the need to redeem himself. the violent, shaking impulses being poured inside his head from seemingly nowhere and everywhere at once. the sun bathes tyler in warmth and comfort, protection from the painful endeavours of demons in the night. but the bright burning is a blinding truth. he knows, when the moon rises, that they are of the truth. but in the times he cannot understand the ancient songs- he can feel paranoia soak into his skin. something's out to get him.  
      at night the burning reduces to a purple glow, haze surrounding small flaming irises. they sing to tyler, their voices chanting in dead tongues of old, the language of the universe. they sing the truth, enchanting every cell of tyler's bones. the night brings the old tales and memories of times before humanity, times of angelic power and holy light. tyler breathes it in, heavier than air he consumes the truth in smoke of a burnt cross and a purified forest fire.   
      since tyler has heard these, he has learned that death is truth, and succumbing to the galaxy in the purest form. his desire to rot back into the universe, he still can't shake. it seems the noblest of things to do, abandon the meat vessel he inhabits. separate flesh from soul and go home. go back into the sky, feel the spheric magnetic power of his halo above his head. eyes opening on every inch of his form- not body, on his visual manifestation of complete energy. six wings unfolding behind him and returning to the land of no night or day. to heaven.  
     he can feel the morning, the heavenly calling for him to flock home. he remembers home in flashes. in holy war between brothers, thunderclouds and eventually the soft cleanliness of a land of white and mist.   
    but for now, tyler's an immortal angel stuck in an eighteen year old boy's body. a cigarette is hanging between his lips and he's walking to josh's house. who has godliness within his heart, it's docile and untapped within the boy's ribs. and it's not just the vessel that loves someone, tyler loves josh.


	15. ichor

the blood that pumped through tyler's veins wasn't normal. it was thicker, it was honey. gold and black. it spilled between his lips dark and sticky. he coughed up the tar in his lungs every morning, black blood splattering on the inside of the white toilet bowl.   
fingers jammed to the back of his throat in attempt at release just to allow the nausea to burn out of his stomach. his ribs jutting out of his chest like uneven, fallen branches.   
tyler's body was something odd. the flesh vessel was pretty much all skin and bone, save for a small about of fat collecting on his thighs, just enough that his legs only had a small gap between them. tyler had mixed feelings about his body. it wasn't his- it was something he was possessing, yet he was trapped inside it. divinity restricted by a tan layer of skin, the inside of his veins pumping that sickly, void ichor to every inch of his bones.   
tyler's distaste for his vessel was rooted in the impurities. the marks that would never leave, it was the scars that warped and disfigured his arms and crossed the soft flesh of his stomach in long vertical lines. the burns where yellow bruises once were, on his hip bones. scraped knees, cigarette burns, and scratches.   
his body was a crime scene, a symptom, his brain an affect. each old mark covered by his own handiwork, in attempt to mask the memory. the deep cuts and bandages that spread from his forearms to the top of his shoulder, symptom of the affect of those cloudy memories. the inter workings of his divinity derived and arrived at due to the ripping of innocence.   
tyler sighed as he flushed the toilet, weak legs lifting him back up. he wiped black sludge residue off his bottom lip.  
josh's body flashed before his eyes, his own imperfections making him all the more flawless. the long lines that covered the tops of his thighs burnt tally marks onto tyler's retinas. soft thighs that begged touch and lips dusted with holy sin. josh's crystallized ribs and quartz spreading to encase his lungs and bear heart. soft and honey drenched bloodily in melted sugar and growing amethyst and ruby within veins and arteries. grizzly wintergreen freckles splattered over changeling flesh that wrapped tightly around a chest of gemstone and foxgloves sprouting out of pouty bitten lips.   
he's angel, birthed out of nebulas and burnt tangerine clouds. fluffy wings split from old oak spines, antlers splitting out of forehead cracks and into open summer storm skies.   
     dependency on he, riddled with eyes shoved inside those glass casings of street lamps pouring man made sun onto pavement that will guide tyler in two diving lines of his mind back to josh.   
     his mint leaf earth irises flood fog onto tyler's skin and his ribs crack around tyler, encompassing him in honey warmth becoming amber fossilized in his arms. lungs flooded with sap from evergreen antlers.   
and in the hills and valleys within brain matter and nerves. he is clawing his way into the bark and through invisible rivers tyler's lungs drown in. at home in deep forests and shown in the foxgloves sprouting from tips of bitten fingers.   
     tyler aches for the day long claws slide down his skin and he can bleed out every tainted root of his veins. the old dead wolfsbane slide down his marred flesh.   
     sliding ruined skin against each other and breathing in sync to an ancient art rhythm made by heart beats, echoing through every valley and cavern.    
     "you okay?" josh's eyes concerned, tears of guilt pouring down his cheeks.   
     tyler nodded, "you make it okay." his cheeks flushing back to thoughts of soft skin brushing against each other- connecting sky with sunken earth. he pressed his lips against josh's quickly, eyelids fluttering at the feeling of firefly bites along his mouth.   
     josh was shocked but quickly let smooth honey poor down his mouth and chest.   
     tyler's hand wandered to squeeze lightly on josh's waist, hands fitting perfectly. they stayed like that for a while, and tyler swore he could feel vines growing from underneath his skin, blooming cherries in his heart. warm glowing embers heated the thickened blood in his veins as he began to kiss hungrily at josh's lips.  
      every graze of tongues fueled deep forest fires and tyler needed this.   
     josh's knees were weak, shaking in their bones as he opened his mouth desperately for tyler's blood. "t-ty," he said when tyler began to walk them backwards toward josh's bed.   
      "yeah?"   
      "it's...uh...b-been a while, are you sure?" josh's face was splattered with strawberry-summer fruit blush. they hadn't...since november. and he was ashamed of the amount of blood pumping places beyond purity.   
     tyler's face relaxed into a familiar expression and josh's heart twisted as he remembered this wasn't the empty corpse of before, this was his tyler. this was his best friend and lover. "josh," he began. "i'm sure. your skin has been signing to me since i remembered our first. and since we kissed."  
     josh nodded, "please." he cursed himself for the neediness pouring from his voice.   
      from there, it was a dream. it was routine yet foreign. josh was pushed gently down onto the mattress and tyler's teeth found their way to his neck. possessiveness flashed in front of tyler's eyes as he began roughly marking josh's neck. "mine, joshua. mine." he growled, sharpened canines pricking blood from underneath cake flesh. ichor in tyler's veins burnt as the warm metallic josh danced on his tongue.   
      "y-yours! god, tyler i missed you." josh whimpered, snapped neck rabbit. his hips bucked up accidentally, grinding on tyler.   
      tyler gasped against the wet of josh's bleeding neck. licking up holy blood, his lips found their way back to josh's. strong hands found their way to tyler's shaggy buzzcut. tugging harshly.   
      "fuck, desperate?" tyler laughed.  
      "uhuh," josh giggled back, squirming underneath his...whatever tyler was to him now.   
      "good." tyler smirked and josh's heart beat rapidly, swirling passionfruit and moving his hands to tug off his own t-shirt.   
     tyler's eyes raked down milky skin and his stomach churned in desire. lust flooding his veins as he stripped himself of his stitches to anything but josh.   
      their lips crashed together desperately, skin sliding together just as tyler imagined. breath beautifully contrasted and blaring heart beats the only sound other than needy gasps and whimpers spilling out sin from josh's vocal chords.   
      when tyler found himself fully bonded with josh, it felt like it had been an eternity. their bodies and minds melded and melting together. heavy night time rivers inside the arms of spiraling galaxies. tyler had god begging for him and the tears that spilled down his tanned skin were from the pure love and hunger rattling his rib cage.   
      josh never felt such intensity as to when he was being used and coddled by tyler. tyler held him like he would break but made love to him like he hated him. rough bruised hips and hickies bleeding down his neck-split lips all wrapped in tyler's eyes looking at him like he had fell from heaven right then. it was addictive. it was worse than the nicotine josh's bones itched for every day.   
     "i love you," tyler gasped as bubblegum pink mist flooded his vision-heavenly fire and beautiful sin.   
     "tyler!" josh screamed, dark blackberry bruised neck baring as he threw his head back in ecstasy- white burning light filling his lungs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more smut whoops


	16. solstice

june 21st.   
the woods are bursting with life. the delicate songs of the fae echo through every honey sun drenched corner of the forest. the sylph's heavenly voices sing in old fae tongues, of the moon and of divinity within the earth. harps, flutes, and bells are loud and joyous as they pour from the tall grass. lines of elves sway in unison. tyler's tanned, freckled skin is warm and damp. forest nymphs- dark skin blooming moss and tree bark, lure him easily into the meadow clearing, dancing around him in the everlasting summer light. their long locs sway along with their hips and with every hand they place, green earth spreads through tyler's cells. tyler lets the baby's breath from their touch grow along his skin.

they dance in celebration before the old oaks, offering themselves and taking in daisy wine. tyler knows josh is hiding, somewhere in the trees becoming colder in shadow. he ignores this, letting the daffodil and angel vein crown be placed amongst his messy hair by pixies flying above him, small butterfly like wings beating along with the drumming of ancient druid tree trunks. he feels divine, protected by those that have been with him forever. the clearing is safe within the branch arms of ancient gods and angels. the new moon is hiding behind the horizon and tyler now finds himself on the top of the elves' hill, soaking in every ray of precious summer sun. he stares into the sunset, a splattering of tangerine, plum, and a bleeding heart. the memory a brown hair brown eyed boy swelled in tyler's chest, black blood oozing out of his heart. 

tyler was first taken by the fae when he was seven. he had waken up bare foot in the middle of the woods, skinny legs shaking from the cold. just slightly shorter than him, a boy with dark brown hair and eyes pulled him further into the woods, the soft cracking of twigs beneath their feet felt immoral. tyler was lead down a hole made amongst tree roots, his fledgling form immersed in euphoric haze as he entered a realm just out of reach to humans. 

the boy's name was brendon. he was a changeling child, his fae counterpart lived one road over from tyler, parasitic in a mormon household. the brendon before him could never leave the fae realm, his energetic blood had been brought up with faerie food, he could never eat mortal food or breathe their impure air. 

tyler's hand laced with his sent warm pulses of static through his body and tyler couldn't comprehend why. all he knew was suddenly the air was thick and it felt amazing with every breath, the sunlight was near blinding and the frigidness of his bones eased and melted away. his vision was smeared and over exposed, lush leaves and impossibly green grasses were all tyler could see for miles of dense angel forests and meadows. 

brendon was not the boy that sat a few seats behind tyler on the bus, brendon was the exuberant but shy almost faerie that held tyler's hand and stole him from his bedroom when kelly came lightly knocking on tyler's door. he was the boy that hid with tyler in poppy fields, letting their heads get dizzy before being dragged out by the kind nymphs that watched over brendon.

brendon resented tyler on days where tyler spent his time gazing into the clouds rather than on earth. tyler wouldn't leave the human world to be with the fae forever. tyler was a half breed of angel and fae, his divinity burnt into his skin but the vessel he was bred into was dark earth. angels hide in trees but tyler's tree was hawthorn, a fae tree, ancient and unchanging. bursting with blooming flowers and honey dripping from his eyes. but as the trunk of his spine split with time, a halo found itself wrapped around his head and the sound of screeching piousness silenced faerie song. that was the day that the nymphs accepted they would never have tyler, the day that brendon kissed him and left him forever.

the catch was, if the changeling died, so would brendon and vice versa. one day tyler learned the changeling hadn't infested a home anyone would want. the urie family murder haunted columbus for years. cold blooded father, strong hands wrapped around a rifle. shot each of his children and his wife in the head at dinner, right after grace. their young minds program flooded with theology and restriction.   
     tyler had seen brendon staring at him in class, he heard the piano playing at recess and button up, makeup covered bruises. tyler understood the changeling's torture. but tyler had been grateful that the real brendon was stolen away. he was safe, wrapped up in summer skies and gentle song. free of negligent human family.   
     tyler remembered the day it happened. after the sirens began blaring, news vans took up the streets, and tyler watched an empty changeling being wheeled out in a black bag. kelly added another lock to their house doors and tyler remembered wishing his own father was still around, that maybe he could've killed him. 

fae woods felt cold without the childlike wonder that seeped from brendon's smile, but it had been exactly eleven years today. it caused twisting pains in tyler's chest- the fact that brendon died on his favorite day of the year. the day of the solstice, just as the sun was hanging low in the sky, a bullet shaped gash appeared on the bare skin of brendon's chest. he fell to the ground, into the field and was quickly buried in fresh earth with reincarnation enchanted herbs dusting his form. he never did come back. and every solstice, tyler wished on that tangerine bleeding heart horizon he would come back. 

now, the moon has risen and overtaken the sun for the battle of the sky. tyler has left the bustling celebration and stands next to josh, grabbing his hand, saying nothing as he laces their fingers together.


	17. kids on the run

"lets run away,"slurred sunshine words slipping out of tyler's lips. the light summer sun slicing the room into uneven pieces. josh's face was smushed against tyler's chest, puffy cheeks pressed against tan bare skin. josh was beautiful always but the entrancing calmness of his sleeping form was art. wings nestled behind his back, light snowflake skin flushed with strawberry splashed blush from where his face rested against tyler.   

josh smiled, flashing gorgeous teeth as he giggled, snuggling further into tyler's grip. and it was safe. it was a home, true and pure. josh's honeybear heart beating softly against tyler's, charred from heaven fire but  crystallizing from the ashes. "run away where?"  
      "anywhere. i'll steal the cash from the safe in the basement and we can just leave. run and run until we can't breathe, leave everything behind us."  
     josh's mouth opened like he was going to protest, then he stopped. "okay."  
-  
     as small feet hopped down the creaking stairs, heavy shadows poured inside tyler's vision. shaking hands unlocking the latch with a stomach wrenching combination 1201. tyler pulled the money from the dragons hoard, up to his room. a black book bag was filled with lighters, cigarettes, weed, two jackets, a bowl, four pairs of jeans, a pillow, tarp from the shed, a razor and a handful of t shirts. a polaroid shoved underneath his mattress of him and an old friend. angel songs heightened, signing widely and excitedly. the lost boy ran off into the night chasing the songs of divine beings pulling and pulling him down the road. toward a true god, toward a biblical boy that injected thick love into his arm like heroin.   
      "are you ready?" tyler asked, eyes splattered with glittering gold flakes as he leaned against josh's window.   
      "uhuh!" josh smiled, waving his hello kitty bag ceremoniously. "all the essentials! plus i grabbed all my money and some blankets and all of my sketchbooks."  
     "perfect. let's go?" tyler smiled, grabbing josh's hand and pulling him outside.   
      fluorescent bus stop light flickered above the boys, hands laced together with the other catering a cig between fingers. smiling and shaking in the pitch black of night. and as the screeching of the bus breaks echoed like holy ghost song, they were free.   
\----  
     clouded mountains painted slowly over tyler's eyes. flashes of bright yellow through seas of moss green. broken cement slabs leading into the forest, graffiti marked shacks falling apart and discarded cigarette butts littering the leaf covered ground.  
hitch hike to the tracks, gravel kicking up behind feet, chasing locomotives. jumping on the empty train carts, slurred horizons spilling sunsets over empty deserts. passing through vast innards of middle america, hands gripped together so tight they might break. josh's eyes full of wonder as the sun sets and rises with his heart beats. escaping yellow road lines in favor of railroad tracks. red and blue flashing as lanky legs carry the boys far into the forests, following faerie songs through glades and valleys. honey glazed skin and heads facing nowhere but forward.   
     sleeping soundly in rotting crack houses on the outskirts of cities, dirty mattresses embracing lovers with smoke pouring out of their lips like divine poetry. projecting beams of light out of evergreen hearts. wide rotted tooth smiles, tanned skin littered with black handmade tats memories of ghost towns behind them.   
     kids on the run, toward the sun and into the rivers of heaven. away from hollow bones of hospice and orange bottles. breathe each other's air and melt freckle splattered against each other. buttercup boys wrapped in distressed moth feast, cigarette pressed against lips dry from southwest sun. freedom in desert skies and sand swept souls. freedom in flight, understanding in abandonment. making homes on the edge of highways, deer drifting in and out, headlights luring the boys further away. further into the night and toward the sky. to nowhere and everywhere.


	18. ghost towns

watching the green sign, you are now leaving ohio, was the closest thing to a high tyler had felt since the last time he shot up. the roads and train tracks passed added up behind them, blurring together in a melted hot lung burning excitement.   
"do you miss it?" tyler had asked josh. they were somewhere in south dakota, walking on the side of an unpaved road.   
"yes." josh answered honestly, but a pure smile spread across his face. "but tyler i wouldn't go back if you made me."  
tyler laughed. the warmth from the scattered street lamps lost under his hoodie. he couldn't even think of the fear that should be flooding his veins, middle of nowhere empty night roads should be a nightmare. but josh's light humming, and the clear skies above them, wrapped tyler in a lilac and orange cosmic womb. the eyes above blinking softly, squinted slightly almost smiling at tyler from the heavens. he had never been happier.   
from south dakota down to colorado, further south, the sun began burning brighter and brighter. angels become scarce and fear strikes like a stake in tyler's chest. as the forests dissipate, in diaspora of faerie clans, tyler feels the presence of something new. of something untouched and lost. tyler tried to ignore it but the further into the desert they got, the harder it became to ignore.  
-  
tyler and josh were nearing vegas when it happened. hot nevada sun pouring in through the open windows of a mothers mini van.   
"Bren?" Tyler blurted, eyes deep ocean trenches as memories flooded in fields of poppies, of overgrown thickets littered with thorns that separated them from suburbia. a beautiful boy, cherry lips and vampiric skin imprinting back onto tyler's eyes. he was grown. so slightly taller than tyler. dirt caked under overgrown finger nails and those big, baby doe dyes. puppy dog love swelling in tyler's throat. amethyst and rose silk dropped from the tissue of tyler's heart. the eyes inside his ears and in the cloudless sky glowing-burning blisters inside tyler's mind and over every ventricle of his heart.   
recalling the events as they happened, josh and tyler were traveling toward sin city. to an impure lost era trapped in a forgotten hourglass. then tyler saw him. underneath the overpass, hair slightly shaggy. wearing short jeans shorts and a too tight black t shirt. tyler had threw himself out of the car. running through traffic, backpack bouncing against his spine.   
josh had apologized to the lady who let them hitch a ride, grabbed his backpack and chased after tyler.   
tyler stood there now, eyes absorbing an old memory that had aged without tyler seeing. "do i know you?" the boy asked, pulling a cigarette out from between his lips. smoke spilling out of his honeysuckle lips.   
that's when tyler's heart-the fragile gemstone and baby's breath that pumped black ichor through his body-shattered. bleeding bruised his deep caramel flesh. every shard of crystal piercing his lungs and flesh. "b-brendon?"  
the boys eyes widened as he quickly grabbed tyler's chest and pinned him against the cool concrete pillar. "how the hell d'ya know that name?"  
"you d-died." tyler's eyes began dripping honeydew and melted jasper stone. "i saw it-the bleeding heart bloomed from your chest."  
"how d'ya know me?" brendon did not let up, his grip on the balled up fabric of tyler's shirt tightened.   
"i-we went to school together."  
"okay so?"   
"um-" josh cut in. "could i talk to you alone?" josh asked, guilt straining the harp strings of his vocal chords. his eyes squinting from southwest helios shining into desolate wasteland and soaking into josh's still pale skin.   
tyler was sitting on the ground, mumbling incoherently. josh knew he wouldn't be moving or hearing anything josh would say.   
"ya' aren't gonna kill me are ya'?"   
"no! just uh...tyler has some mental health issues."  
"clearly."   
josh shot him a deadly glare. "do not. tyler's the love of my life. he just. okay so he remembered you from school and to him you guys were best friends. he thought that the real you was a changeling. that you were fake and that the real brendon lived in the woods."  
brendon's eye brows scrunched. "he hallucinated me?"  
"uh yeah. one real, that was you, he hallucinated you and you lived in the woods with faeries."  
brendon laughed out loud, "what?!"  
tyler's lost eyes cast up to heaven at the angelic outburst. he found his way back to that boy that was supposed to never leave the woods. that he had tried so hard to protect. to tyler's first kiss.   
"listen boy, i get that you're wack but i have a job to do aight?" brendon sighed before taking his place back near the highway.   
josh growled under his breath before pulling brendon away again. "listen. regardless of anything, he cares about you. i've watched him lay flowers for you every fuckin' year okay? i watched him cry and stare into the middle of the woods for hours. i know he wasn't mourning you but. he was mourning someone that looked like you and seeing you is so important to him so please just...humor him?" josh begged, face heating up in anger.   
brendon's eyes shot around, "i can't right now. i have to work or bad stuff'll happen kay? ill meet you guys for lunch or somethin' go to johnny's near the smoke shop at like 2. now get the fuck outta here before dal comes and beats the shit outta you," brendon shooed the boys away, hiking his shirt back up and batting his eyes at the oncoming cars.   
"w-what did he say joshie?" tyler said, voice small and weak.   
"he wants to have lunch. he's workin' that's why he couldn't talk." josh smiled, grabbing tyler's hand and pressing his lips to it. "lets go find somewhere to wash up."


	19. sands of sin

josh and tyler found themselves in the bathroom of a seven eleven, sink running attempted to wash weeks of grime off their scruffy faces and dry hands. wet hands rubbing arms and necks and anywhere they could reach without stripping. tyler cupped his hands to pour cold artificial rain over his head, dripping slowly onto his forehead being blessed by hollow pipes and a quiet sky.  
both of them were exhausted, and they had three hours until they had to go see brendon. josh figured no one would mind if they napped in the corner stall, the only guy working in the station couldn't have been older than sixteen and he didn't seem to even notice them when they came in.  
so tyler pulled a blanket out of his back pack and layed it over the cold tile floor. josh curled in the far corner and tyler huddled against him, nuzzling into his chest. "i can't believe he's alive, joshie. we tried to cover his body in regeneration plants b-but he didn't even die in the first place!"  
"maybe he almost died during surgery." josh said, running his fingers through tyler's damp grown out hair. "we need to find a razor, shave your head again," he noted, tugging at the awkward length of brown locks.  
tyler nodded, breathing slow, pressing his lips against josh's neck by now coated in lilac bloody buttercup bruises, at which tyler let out a soft giggle before letting his heavy eyes fall shot, arms wrapped tightly around josh's waist. the only sound a gentle symphony pouring out of the fluorescent lights.  
-  
they woke up two hours later, a loud banging on the stall door. tyler jumped, a small yelp slipping out of his lips as he hid behind josh. it took a few moments to realize someone was speaking. it was a soft slurred voice, deep and smooth. "guys i'm sorry but you have to leave. i don't wanna get fired."  
tyler grabbed his blanket and backpack and followed tyler out of the stall. a boy, the one who had been sitting behind the cash register, sighed. "i would let you guys crash in here longer but my manager is about to stop by."  
"it's no problem," josh said. lacing his hand with tyler's. "thanks anyway..." he stared at the name tag pinned to the boy's shirt. "ryan."  
"it's all good. do you guys need anything?" he asked as they exited the bathroom, sliding back behind the counter.  
"two packs of menthols would be great," josh smiled and ryan nodded, grabbing the packs from the shelf behind him. "im more of a reds guy myself." he laughed, ringing josh up.  
josh snorted, "i didn't used to like em' but tyler here turned me onto them." josh flashed a grin to the boy who handed the packs to him. "we have money it's no problem-"  
"nah it's my treat. i need to go out for a smoke anyway, ill just have one from the pack and we can call it even." ryan laughed, pushing his long hair out of his face.  
the three boys sat on the right side of the building to escape the heat. smoke spilling out of the ends of cigs and out of cracked lips. josh was beginning to like this ryan guy. tyler was beginning to not. it was nothing the boy was doing wrong. ryan was pretty, a youthful face and honey colored eyes. black eyeliner loosely smudged around his eyes that seemingly were made of fossilized insects inside an old oak. long lanky limbs hung like dead branches from his body and a soft deep voice washed over tyler's body like a warm river. but tyler didn't like the way he looked at josh.  
"so what brings you guys to vegas? you don't look like the gambling type."  
"just traveling." josh said, taking another hit of his cig. he was beginning to worry about tyler, who was all but silent and clinging onto josh like a vice. "you okay angel?" he asked, voice lowered.  
tyler smiled and nodded. josh didn't look convinced so tyler pressed a kiss to the tip of josh's nose. his pale skin had become splattered with golden freckles painted on by the falling tears of glowing eyes.  
"you guys are cute," ryan said as he put the butt of his cig out on the bottom of his boot. "i have a break in a half hour for lunch if you guys are up for it," ryan said as he tied his apron back on.  
"we were gonna meet up with an old friend actually," tyler snapped. unexpected anger dripping from his lips. he was unsure of where it came from but it felt like it was being ripped out of his throat, his stomach burning.  
"you can come with if you'd like," josh said, voice cloying.  
"yeah sure. where?" ryan slid his phone back into pocket.  
"johnny's?"  
"aight cool." ryan waved and headed back into the gas station.  
-  
tyler and josh made their way down the road. "he was pretty," josh says.  
"pretty young," tyler grumbled.  
"to be working behind the register and selling tobacco you have to be 18. he's at least 18," josh remarked, quickly becoming defensive of the boy.  
"why do you care?" tyler began to worry. josh had never shown any kind of interest in anyone but tyler. paranoia and dread sunk deep into his veins.  
josh quickly caught this, "baby. i don't care about him i just think he's nice. and i know you thought he was pretty."  
tyler flushed, "i d-didn't."  
"tyler you stare at everything but you were gawking at him," josh let out a small chuckle.  
tyler gently shoved josh, "you can say you thought he was attractive!"  
"fine, he was very good looking. but! so was brendon."  
"b-brendon's different, josh." tyler's voice got smaller. he would never want to compare his love of both of those boys. josh was his sky his god his everything but brendon was the only fond memory of an aching childhood, the forests and fae fields. earth and sky and tyler was a dark cold ocean calling for heaven. a sprite flew into his ear, telling tyler that ryan was some ancient buried core of the earth. he ignored it.  
he and josh walked silently hand in hand, down the long straight roads until they found themselves outside of a dingy diner. tyler's stomach will never not churn uncomfortably behind his brain when he feels artificial glow stain his skin. memories of white gloves and restricted limbs, bleach fuzzing his brain, it stitched nausea onto every inch of tyler's bones. his joints shifted as they walked into the diner. it was overly bright-existing in that liminal lost era of retro futurism and forgotten vhs dreams. teal and red lights flashing old memories of dry ohio summers and josh.  
"what time is it?" josh asked the lady behind the register. her thick lips were painted dark red, reminiscent of pomegranate and glowing gutspill. her dark skin contrasting artificial fluorescence.  
"11:53," she smiled. her voice was raspy, she looked so familiar. the perfect locks cupping her face resembled those forest nymphs so closet. the maple children that cradled tyler and brendon in the glade.  
"thank you," josh nodded his head and turned to walk to the corner of the diner, taking refuge in a booth closest to the window. the dark leather seats were dry and cracking like aging skin breaking as eras pass.  
tyler's fingers ran over the cracks of the seat. "i hope he remembers," he whispered to no one. he prayed for his changeling to be returned in whole to him. to repair that bleeding heart and meld the shards of amethyst back together.  
josh nodded simply. saying nothing. what could he say?  
by 12:02 tyler's leg began shaking violently, vibrating with every flap of humming birds wing. josh had ordered four waters and a plate of fries. josh ate them slowly but tyler's mouth was preoccupied with biting savagely at his fingers. bitten bloody, black ichor staining fingerprints.  
it was 12:04 when he walked in.


	20. tetra heart

brendonbrendonbrendon chanted in his ears through voices of the glowing irises beating down on the desert. the matured innocence of his face staining the film over tyler's eyes. he didn't even realize the tall man walking behind him. his everything was flooded with biblical waves of fae wings and his lightly pointed ears.   
brendon and the tall man slid across from them and even tyler could recognize the tension and heat bubbling out of the four boys. "so, which one of ya is the crazy one?" the tall man asked, and tyler's glassy eyes took in the intimidating man. wearing a semi disheveled suit and neatly trimmed hair, fingers adorned with an obnoxious amount of rings.   
josh growled, "he's not-"  
"me." tyler said, voice quivering lightly.   
the tall man nodded, "so what exactly do you want with dylan?"   
"dylan?"  
"i haven't used my old name since i left ohio," brendon said quietly. he looked so different than he did standing on the street. he cowered in the shadow of the other man, head bowed and his arms tucked in his lap. on the road he was proud, shoulders jutting out and his head high. tyler's heart ached at the way brendon's eyes squeezed shut when the man spoke. he understood. this tall man was brendon's kelly. this man ruined the brendon tyler knew. tyler felt his sharpened canines pierce through his tongue. anger spilled down his spine and his finger nails stabbed josh's thigh accidentally.   
josh jerked away but quickly grabbed tyler's hand, squeezing it comfortingly. "so uh...dylan. tyler here remembers you two were good friends. that you would play in the woods together. he thought you died." josh tried to explain the situation in the least confusing way. but that didn't seem to satisfy the tall man.   
"so? everyone has old friends." the man snapped.   
"im sorry, i didn't get your name." josh cut in, ignoring the man's remark.   
"dallon. you don't need to know my last name," the tall man, dallon, said.   
"okay dallon, well tyler thought his childhood best friend was fucking dead for ten years and then he sees him alive on the side of the ride in vegas he's supposed to just go with it?!" josh yelled, slamming his fist down on the table.   
it was this time that tyler realized ryan had walked into the diner and he waved him over, trying to ignore the tears falling out of his eyes. "hey!"   
ryan smiled, flashing a beautiful grin and walking to the booth. "hey guys," his velvet voice soothing every nerve in tyler's body.   
he sat next to tyler, sandwiching the small boy between josh and ryan. he didn't mind. it was the safest tyler had felt since they got to vegas.   
"i'm ryan." he extended his arm to brendon and dallon. brendon took it first, hesitantly but firmly. tyler watched as their skin slid against each other and he could see this old calm amber meeting the oaks that held it. fluorescent bioluminescence of empty caverns and ancient bones lacing to desert skies and faerie homes.   
"b-i mean. dylan im dylan."   
"nice to meet you," ryan grinned. dallon quickly grabbed brendon's wrist, pulling it away from ryan.   
"im dallon."   
tyler's stomach churned with every word he said. dallon was something evil. he tainted and ruined brendon. he ripped the memory from brendon just like kelly did to tyler.   
"bren-dylan. uh h-how did you get all the way to nevada?" tyler asked, tongue cringing uncomfortably as the wrong name stained his lips.   
"no." dallon said, taking a handful of the fries from the tray and shoving them in his mouth.   
"i uh can't say," brendon/dylan said. visibly shrinking even further.   
"why not?" it was now ryan asking, head titled in confusion.   
"he just can't," dallon answered for brendon.   
ryan gave him a weird look and rolled his eyes, waving his hand to get the waitresses attention.   
tyler felt his mind rip from every vein inside him, floating silently away from the group as ryan ordered a burger.   
the next fifteen minutes passed in a blur, josh trying not to punch dallon, brendon cowering in a corner, and ryan innocently eating his hamburger.   
tyler stayed slightly over from his body. his thoughts occupied with the preserved skeletons and warmth radiating off of the boy to his left. though his eyes were locked heavy on brendon, ryan radiated a calm matureness that contradicted his youthful face. tyler saw the empty cavern of his vessel twitch its hand to rest near ryan's thigh. and strawberries burst over his cheeks. this boy was unlike josh-not so blindingly radiant that tyler found himself glossing over ryan's imperfections, not nebula stars bathed in clouds and baby's breath beauty in fate. unlike brendon- not the flesh of a fae with memories wiped, he hadn't been burnt inside tyler's mind for years, he hadn't been pure green lush earth. ryan was ancient, ryan was warm amber, deserts and honey. deep caverns glowing from bugs and eventual pools of holy water. he was the warm glow of purified flame spreading over dry forests. ryan was the last missing piece of a tetra elemental heart that marked god himself.   
"it was nice meeting you guys," brendon said, his voice more honest yet soft than it had been this entire time. "tyler, im sorry you never knew i just. i can't have people knowing, alright? so just leave it alone. please," brendon's wide eyes were filling with glittering nectar.   
tyler nodded, unmoving from his spot. the shards of his heart had found themselves even more broken than they had been before. tyler couldn't let brendon go off with this devil. with something so unholy and unworthy of the mischievous fae.   
but he did. he watched warped expanding claws wrap around honey milk skin and pull changeling pixie hearted brendon off to a world of impure lust and greed. to use the beautiful bones intricately wound together by deities of pine and sequoia. by the gentle hands that bloomed life inside both lost boys. using them for the desires of man. it made tyler's guts churn inside his body. every carved scripture in his rib detailing the sin this city has encased brendon in.   
he needed to steal him away. he needed to take all these boys and hide them away. to keep them safe from harm. pump their blood with honey and transcend this realm. become at home in the glades, protected by seelie queen. and eventually, to bring them even to the clouds. the dark ocean skies and headlights flashing lighting bolts of yellow lines dividing each and every boy's mind allowing them to baptise in biblical blood of ancient gods.   
tyler followed brendon out of the diner. ryan and josh followed.


	21. night calls

"tyler! wait!" josh tried to grab tyler's wrist as he left the diner but he was already calling a cab to follow the surprisingly nice car that was pulling out onto the road.   
"josh, i can't let him go." tyler's voice was more desperate than any time he's been on his knees. than anytime he has pleaded for nearly anything from josh.   
"ty...we can go see him and get him later. we need to leave, baby." josh said, pulling tyler away from the road. and waving apologetically to the cab driver that had pulled off the lanes.   
ryan stood awkwardly behind josh, piping into the conversation, "i have to go back to work for another hour but i can take you guys to my house after if you want."  
tyler nodded, wanting to thank Ryan. "im s-sorry you had to deal with all that. you're really kind ryan, bubbling clouds and desert bones." tyler smiled sheepishly as he tucked himself in ryan's chest, hugging him quickly.   
ryan was blushing furiously, burning like hot summer sunburn on his cheeks. he stuttered out a thank you.  
josh smiled at the wonder that was dripping from ryan's face, titled to the side in confusion. he knew that look. it was the one that was stitched on the flesh of josh's cheeks since the first time he met tyler. tyler was an enigma at best, a curious and beautiful creature that could never be understood. ryan never would understand, but josh hoped he stuck around regardless of the burning of jealousy inside josh's veins. but above all possessiveness for this boy, josh trusted and loved him. in spite of the messy brutal truth that spilled from his lips in hymns and poetry not truly developed. in the deep earth of his eyes and the warmth that shined through his dark skin.   
"we can stay outside the gas station until you're done," josh said.   
"it's pretty hot out, guys. you can just hang in the employee lounge my manager won't mind."   
tyler smiled, grabbing both josh and ryan's hands as they walked to ryan's car. josh saw ryan looking at him, that wonder filled questioning look splattered over his face again.

tyler and josh slept, tyler on top of josh on the dingy couch in the back of the 7/11. josh's arms wrapped around tyler's small frame. the skin that surrounded tyler's eyes was tight from dried tears, pulling uncomfortably on the bags curling them. but he cried not, breathing the heavy and intoxicating scent of forest fires and open roads.   
eventually, ryan finished his shift and they all walked to his car.

ryan's apartment was small, a little messy but tyler didn't mind. it had been so long since he'd been in a home, any home. his mind began drifting east. with wind currents and rain. farms carried him to ohio. to painful households cradled by forests overgrown with thorns and the elves raising him.   
ryan's room was soft, painted deep sea blue. a guitar was propped against the wall near the window that looked out onto the backs of buildings. the sounds of passing cars and bustling life flooded through the windows like the night songs used to.   
tyler smiled as he plopped himself down onto the mattress, ryan following him. josh sat on the floor, smiling as he watched ryan pull out a blunt from his bedside table. "you guys smoke?" ryan asked, smiling as he lit the end of the blunt.   
"of course. we had some when we started running but tyler smoked all of it when he thought he saw his mom in iowa." josh laughed, grabbing the blunt and taking a long hit, breathing it out slowly. josh getting high was art to tyler. his almond eyes rose tinted and glassy wide, a wide grin showcasing the absolute majesty of his teeth. he would always grab tyler and cuddle up to him, giggling loudly and kissing sloppily over tyler's neck.   
ryan's lips were perfect, split petals. angelic eyes began ringing familiar sylph tones in tyler's ears. ryan didn't understand, but he needed to. "ry!" a crooked, sharp toothed smile was gracing tyler's face as he yelped. he took a small hit and blew it into the air. "tell me about you."  
ryan laughed, pulling a cigarette from his pack and lighting it. "there's not much to know..." he took a hit. "im 18, just graduated. i play the guitar and i live with my dad uh- he's never home though so..." he took another hit. "there's not much to me."   
tyler grabbed the cig from ryan, breathing in the smoke hurriedly. "that couldn't be less true!" he blew smoke almost too close to ryan's face. he looked over to josh, pleading with pouty lips. josh nodded, giving permission to tyler to show ryan and to indulge his own desires.   
tyler crawled excitedly off josh's lap, toward ryan. he scooted close to ryan until their faces were centimeters apart. ryan's eyes were wide and soft ocean berry blush spread across his face. tyler let their foreheads rest together.  
with josh, it happens quickly-sparking reaction of warm stardust burning the gashes between their faces.

with ryan, it was slow. beginning with the cold chiming of seaside bells, a frigid overcast sky flooding into tyler's brain. white sand spilling from the cracks in their skulls, home to ancient fossils of lost eras and loves. tyler leaned close, letting the skin of his face peel back and meld like smooth honey. every sickening sweet tone of breath that slipped out of ryan's lips was a soft wave of crystallized rain.   
tyler moved his hands to ryan's hair, tugging gently, letting their foreheads press together, lips brushing slightly. peach bursts of sweet sea, ryan's long hair dangling over their faces. white sands meeting the cliffs overgrown with life and moss. soft fungi swallowing rotting earth only to fall back into lilac blending blue waters.   
as tides calm and birds quiet their songs, tyler pulls away.  
ryan pulls him back.


	22. lust in babylon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda smut but not rlly

tyler's dreams had been bringing him back. back, at first to ohio forests and the childhood beginning with possession of the vessel, but then to old desires and forgotten biblical times. fertile lands and ancient rivers rushing cherry wine through him, stretching from heart to the tip of his wings. these memories from vessels lost in the ages came rushing back to tyler only years prior, pouring in his ears in shaking chants and visions of sacrifice and holy submission to suffer in pleasure. fire lit temples, in back rooms. luxury in human skin and gluttony, oh the irony of holy divine craving such sin. yet, it is not pure sin. allowing yourself to experience suffering, tyler subjecting himself to be used at the mercy of man is nothing but putting himself at the mercy of a force that stitched together human's from earth and stars. it began in complete obedience. to cultures of early civilization and to ancient gods who feared not any indulgence.  
past babylon, in sophistication of nineteenth century opium soaking inside his veins. tyler had been born into the church. stained glass windows and rosary wrapped wrists. scripture sewn into his skin with another cruel woman's fingers with no mercy. dreary cities clouded in smog, dark suits hiding divinity. then being stripped, by rich men delving into forbidden pleasures. gold and diamond jewel decorating tyler's now pale neck, choking him beautifully. absinthe tongues roaming over milk skin, dark cherry blood spilling out as cool metal slices perfectly. sliding against some lost lover-red staining every inch of limb. connections born in hazed smoky rooms. lips split and calling out for holy release. tobacco breathed in between stained sheets and healing wounds. drowning in angelic song, the eyes humming hymns to allow sleep.  
it happens in another vessel, now sometime in the 1970's. another homegrown boy, lured into worlds he didn't understand. wrists bound above him as new crucifixion. dying in attempt to achieve a sin, not to take burden for other's. selfish indulgence in pleasure. in the absolute humanity that spills out of his stomach as he lets older hands gut the hollow chasm of his body like dead meat. it is now that fascination becomes unholy, as tyler begs for the candied guts to be consumed back into his body. auto cannibalistic desire to solidify reincarnate piousness. to wash down with carbonation to burn at the back of throat like the bile that spilled as the knife dug into his abdomen. this vessel dies, in that prairie trailer. no one looks for him, buried, given to the earth to consume as sacrifice. bones drying under dry desert dirt.   
in this form, lust born from babylon is found in one. in joshua. in the biblical desire in just his name. angel cake skin, sin in possessive greed over josh's body. in gluttony for every thing of him. need to consume, to be devoured. to meld his angelic blood with heavenly fire and god in josh. to fuck him until bible verses pour out of him along with his blood, uncontrollable and desperate.   
tyler wishes babylon never happened, he doesn't want to end up hurting josh.   
josh was more than lust for the taste of flesh burning acidic on tyler's tongue. josh was an ache of the heart. of earth and flame. the gentle completion of fingers laced perfectly together, locking souls into each other. venus born out of lust but jupiter tied their lives together with a red thread.   
even with ryan and brendon, sky and sea melding with the elemental divine heart-the heavenly fire that birthed purified damnation in joshua was what dampened forests ached for. warm glow pouring honey over tyler's skin and shining those red and blue summer nights where tyler felt love for the first time. he didn't want to hurt josh.


	23. west breath

brendon was out of vegas an hour after. big brown eyes glassed with tears and tyler understood. he understood it too well.   
      "you can miss him," tyler whispered.   
      brendon looked shocked but nodded, scooting toward tyler and letting his head rest against tyler's shoulder.   
\------  
nearing california, they traded ryan's car in for a cheap van, converting the back into a bed. it got them all the way to san jose, alternating stolen glances and purposeful contact of skin before it happened. 

dry california roads and distant mountains offset the sun as it was cradled so gently by the sea. the boys were pulled over in the parking lot of a public beach, empty. still they remain hidden beneath wide palm leaves in the corner closest to the ocean. they settled in for the night. engine off as the room became hazy with smoke, only lights from flame. 

first, tyler and josh. familiar lips working desperately but softly over each other. then a hand. hesitantly ghosting over the soft, jean covered, flesh of tyler's thigh. thinking it was josh, tyler rested his hand over it. another pair of lips came contact with tyler's neck, damp with foreign fog and hot from sun blessed rays. fireflies- east coast dream bugs fluttered behind tyler's eyelids as they peeled themselves open. met with brendon, his mouth kissing roughly and working a light mark onto tanned flesh. tyler's dilated eyes met with ryan's across the room. without thinking, tyler detaches himself from the other boys and crawls, hands and knees, back curved and predatory, over to ryan. toward the sea. a running leap toward salt water cleansing of the dark california sky that engulfed them. until they were so close their lips brushed, hot breathe hitting ryan's face as tyler spoke, "kiss me."  
ryan's eyes flickered over to brendon. tyler understood, gesturing for the sun splattered sky to meet moon blessed tides.  
"kiss him," josh said. deep voice pouring into smoky air. a warm guiding flame.  
ryan was shy, calm and smooth in all he did but brendon, tyler, josh. seemed to make him flush, stuttering over his words and steps.   
brendon laughed gently, bringing his lips against ryan's. tyler could see the ocean breeze gracing hurricane swirling clouds-the sky and sea mixing biblically. ancient times predating land, mists of eras and the warmth of joshua flame, cradled by heaven wings of tyler.   
tyler and josh crawled forward, bodies all colliding in the middle. the great glowing coils of all that was and will be and has been connecting at one point in the world. skin on skin and bone covered in nerve sensitive flesh begging for divine guidance and those holy nights, purpose found in love. in lust.   
in this in the brushing of hands and lips against each other, four boys finding something in each other that was void within themselves. passion, ease, wisdom, love. saint given pleasure.   
      a cataclysmic birthing of elements reborn into each other. broken desperate whimpers poured into each other's mouths and into ocean breezes, sunsets, purified fire and faerie forests.


	24. desert wolf

the vessel dried in empty american sun was more prominent in tyler's memory. the constant desert landscape echoes past lives of thin pale limbs bound to the trailer. bruised and broken, thick cherry blood dripping down tyler's face from a broken pixie nose.   
the man is tall, but not too tall. his eyes are empty dark void. his voice is gravelly and it makes the mutilated guts inside tyler's body churn. but he reaches toward it anyway. finds himself drawn to poison laced fingers that sew him up haphazardly tossing him into rotten carpeted closet.   
some days he is hungrier. the desert wolf prowling toward the closet door, dragging limp doll boy into the back room. tyler can feel the adrenaline flooding his rabbit heart in remembrance. bone saw glinting reflective in his pleading eyes. guilt boiling underneath violet marked skin, in desperation for the serrated blade sliding through soft flesh and bone. veins overdosed with painkillers to keep broken vocal chords at bay.   
and oh heavenly father, pleading to lost gods, purified burnt sands cradle the abomination hiding within abandoned heaven. divinity is hiding so close to the bone saws and scalpels, a man born of violent lust finding serenity in the draining of melted candy out of tyler's now stump of a leg. stomach grumbling and tyler finds nausea easily. hunger is only eased when tyler looses his own flesh. the man who says he loves him explains the purity in consuming nothing but each other. tyler lets himself be doll and prey. used and consumed by desert wolf.  
hitchhiked from some forgotten life and lured into rabbit trap. a man, bigger than tyler in every way. a southern gravelly drawl that demanded tyler's head bowed in submission. blurred dog teeth biting claiming marks onto the once tanned flesh of tyler's neck. scrawny boy tucked into wolf's lap. big adopted t shirts hiding the progressively large wounds.   
the day tyler walked into the trailer was the first day the vessel died. death is no moment, death can last as long as time. tyler died for five months. slowly bleeding out, melted bubblegum dried on scabs and stitches. first a leg, then the other. one arm, then the other. but some part of tyler found it rewarding. the exhilaration dripping down wolf teeth. the cloying words of a false god lighting up a decomposing heart held in candied rib cage. tyler's skin flushing passion fruit blush and crying for a gentle touch. only when giving limb to wolf, will tyler be used. and it's hell. it's burning fire and mind numbing pain but the smallest of gentle kisses pressed over bites.   
the camera makes it worse. who could be watching as tyler's dignity and body becomes mutilated by the man he supposes he loves. mind programmed with snuff and tyler knows these kind of men. one day the gore and near deaths will not be enough. and it comes sooner than tyler would have hoped.   
waking up with paranoia spilling out of his lips tasting acidic bile on split lips. tyler exists as something non human. he feels freak show born, shown off by carnival barkers. red and white candy stripes attempting to ease the horror of arm and leg lost monstrosity. for families to gasp in fear at tyler's willingness to have himself ruined and ripped apart in the name of love.   
his molars ripped from his mouth as keepsake for wolf once he's gone. waking as pliers pulled cavity ridden teeth out of cherry gums, tyler knew he would not be around for much longer. a small sob escaped his lips, the wolf inched closer, an almost regretful smile on his twisted lips as he kissed tyler's mouth, licking the blood off his gums and tongue. tyler attempted to reach for him, stained bandage stumps where arms once were waving. hoping to stay with the only man who would ever love him enough to keep him even like this. who loves him when he lost the golden hues of his skin, who found desire in the blood hidden underneath that virgin skin.   
he's tied up, the camera is rolling in front of him. he can hear a faint hymn, an echoing song coming from nowhere. and tyler looks into the lens, imagining men not as deserving as tyler's wolf, with greasy hands stuffed places beyond purity watching tyler's last breathes within this vessel. as the large blade made contact with his stomach, sliding and spilling intestines and organs out like a gutted fish, he spoke to blurry in a broken moan. "i love you."


	25. jealous god

josh loves tyler. he will never understand him. the dazed candied glassy tears that cover his irises when he floats out of his head. he tells josh more than he realizes. sometimes in his long babbling rants he will spill memories and secrets. josh doesn't understand the complex system of past lives and realms describes in incoherent poetry. tyler's angel has inhabited so many souls- tortured reflections of tyler's own trauma that echo through the desert.   
josh is not jealous. he knows tyler loves him. but tyler gets lost. in faerie memories or old bloodlust. he will call during daydream poems for a wolf. for some beast of a man to purify him. for consumption of tyler's flesh and when tyler begins whimpering and rutting against josh's thigh. josh will get jealous.   
tyler makes josh's heart full. and ryan and brendon are icing on the cake. josh could share tyler easily, watching him loose himself in soft pleasure of brendon's lips over his neck or the comfort of ryan's long fingers lacing with his. josh could even share tyler with his delusions, for they're a part of him as much as anything else. share tyler with the forests and angel eyes that rain pure tears down onto him.   
but for some reason, this one reoccurring event causes an uncomfortable nausea to bubble inside josh's foxglove guts. the cherub wings that grace his back loose feathers as tyler unknowingly begs for a blurry. begs for some man that he believes rescued and created him. that's what he used to say about josh.   
josh knows seeing your boyfriend as a creator god is not something healthy. he tried and failed to explain his humanity to tyler. tyler was caught up in the perfect pale skin and kind eyes that tyler swore was biblical born. but now that old memories seemed ever present from tyler's past vessels, josh as a god seemed to be falling. josh was becoming a cast down angel in the eyes of his everything.   
this jealousy carried with him through every long california road that carried them further from ohio. every whisper escaped tyler's lips during sleep and josh couldn't handle it. he knew what to do but he couldn't. trauma victims may sometimes want the pain, may want to be given the exact thing that plagued their minds. and tyler wanted pain. and josh couldn't deliver.   
josh shows his love in delicate flowers and sugar sweet kisses. he takes care of tyler and protects him from all harm. if josh were the god tyler believed him to be he would be a savior. honey sweet and blessed.


	26. changeling birth

"where are we going?" brendon asked, smooth skin a tangerine orange from the light of beach fire. it wasn't a specific question. there wasn't a specific answer. it was a vague pondering of what comes next. will these roads ever stop winding them further from old ghosts. familiar wind patterns pushing them unknown destinations that began to blur together. one goal; to run.   
no one answered because what would they say. ryan's fingers laced with his and took a break from strumming softly on his guitar. brendon could live like this, he's done it before ever so briefly. a vagrant following stars and waves like road signs. heart stitched into three others like a vice, strings of muscle shown through vines, dew drops, fireflies, and clouded horizons. ryan, the rain. brendon needs him, a growing dependency on this long limbed smoky seaside dream. he's a blazed beach night, warm breeze caressing the traumatized icy atmosphere surrounded brendon's heart. the way he kisses down the dividing scar on brendon's heart-each press of his lips bleeds ocean spray.   
and in between all this- brendon sees tyler. the hurt in wide rotting earth eyes every time brendon's hand find ryan's and not his. tyler was something brendon couldn't wrap his head around. at first, brendon approached this nonconformity as threatening. tyler's accusations jarring painful spiked memories inside brendon he didn't want to acknowledge. the reclaiming of brendon was the first step into loving tyler joseph.   
dyl came along with frank. a new, simpler name that wouldn't cause any unnecessary questions of brandon or brendon. frank picked brendon up around inner city columbus. an eight year old aimlessly wandering around abandoned factories and untrustworthy streets in the middle of the night. eventually a newly stictched, newly homeless boy will find himself in trouble.   
the row house was hazy inside and out, red carpeting and broken windows galore. a young boy, newly opened and exposed heart fought fear inside his snapped rib cage in favor of a seemingly gentle man that waved brendon closer with a smile.   
it was a party, of sorts. liquor and smoke hanging heavy in the frigid air. bodies so much taller than brendon's not even budging as he wormed his way in between them to the man sitting on the staircase with a cigarette hanging out of his lips, adorned with a piercing.   
"what brought ya' in here?" the man asked, asking his cig.   
"ran away," brendon said proudly, his confidence wavering like his heart beat as this man looked at him. wide naive eyes sank inside this man and above all brendon wishes he could've beat the trust out of childhood blood.   
the man smiled, a small chuckle escaped his lips. "wow, that must be scary huh?"   
brendon giggled, "no! just hate all these dumb places they try to put me."   
frank now seemed genuinely intrigued now. his brown eyes squinting, raking up and down brendon's body "put ya?"  
"my dad killed m' whole family. i was th' only surviver. now they try to put me in foster houses with fake mom's and stuff. s' no better than where i was before." brendon was used to this story, each foster home or wayward boys program would gawk in horror at the monstrosity. either pitying or fearing brendon under the guise of his father's acts. lonely, cold, nights on creaking twin mattresses. painful aches burnt into the long stitched laceration down his young form. only light filtering through blackout curtains over early equinox snow.   
"oh shit." frank went to take a sip of something out of a silver flask but then offered it to brendon. "ya need it more than i do."  
brendon knew what this was. alcohol was a familiar but forbidden sin in his life. indulging in spirits is nothing a well meaning mormon would do. but an abusive father, and foster 'parents' using brendon only as a paycheck, were incredibly fond of it. and brendon liked this man, he was young, but not too young. brendon wanted him to like him, needed somewhere to belong. he took the flask quickly and took a large swig, attempting to mask the grimace on his face which wasn't very hard after he felt a warm buzz reverberate through his core. throat and chest warm honey and his small limbs wobbling so slightly.   
"how'd ya like that lil' man?"   
"i like that very much. what's it?"  
the man chuckled again, "whiskey. a little something to keep ya' spirits up."  
"whats your name?" brendon was curious of this man, with his piercings and jet black hair. he had a comforting aura despite his intimidating appearance. brendon learned to never judge based on someone's looks. his dad-his family, looked like a dream. pastel church, white framed overpriced art pieces and grace beaten into his bones and masked with cakey foundation.   
"oh i can't believe i forgot to introduce myself! my name's frank. and what's your name beautiful boy?"  
brendon hid the embarrassing blush creeping up the back of his neck and onto his cheeks. "b-brendon. but i hate it! reminds me of my dad." brendon boyd urie- full name forever drenched in pain. belt shaped marks and crosses gazing down on neglect under false pretenses outlined by biblical texts. his mom would say it in warning tones, or in her last scream as it echoed through the empty souls of his siblings lifeless corpses.   
"i don't like it either. sounds like brandon... how about something else?" frank smiled, pushing his long black hair off his face, revealing his tattooed hands and fingers previously hidden under oversized jacket sleeves.   
"i want something cool. you pick it!"  
frank laughed, taking a hit of his cigarette. "ya' think i'm cool?"  
brendon giggled, stepping impossibly closer due to frank sitting on the stairs. "the coolest!"  
"okay lil flower... how bout dylan? s'not as clunky or confusing as brendon."   
brendon/dylan nodded excitedly. "thank ya' frankie!!"   
"it's perfect for a cool dude like you." frank laughed again, taking another swig and offering it back to the young boy.   
frank sat up, grabbing brendon's small hand. he lured him around the house, introducing him as dylan to a wide range of older men and women. they all seemed nice, brendon smiled widely at all of them. piercings glinting in low light, bright red hair on one pale man that looked at brendon in horror.   
"frank?" brendon asked after he took another three sips of the burning liquid.   
"yea dyl?"   
"i wann' stay here. with ya'... forever." dylan fell onto frank, stumbling over the bottom stair.   
"well how could i pass up that offer?" frank smiled, pulling dyl onto his lap. dylan laughed warmly, wrapping his arms around franks neck and closing his eyes. the warm chemical burning within his stomach lulling him to sleep, frank's arms the safest he'd felt his whole life.  
only after so many halfway houses will they stop looking for you. brendon only wished they kept because maybe dylan would never have existed.


	27. candied syrup

the first few weeks with frank were beyond anything dylan had ever hoped his life could be. frank gave him a big room upstairs for the first few days before they had to leave ohio, he had a huge queen mattress that he only had to share with frank. despite cobwebs in the corners of marron painted walls, brendon felt safe. this broken home felt more whole than the one he was born into. birthright overshadowed by a smoky cloud of warmth and love that poured into cups with ease. brendon felt loved. the man with the fire in his hair and moon lit skin brendon learned to be gerard. gerard was hesitant of him, an unease dripped from his lips whenever he spoke to dylan-never brendon. many people came in and out of the house, the walls seemed alive and life bled out of the paint. his old house was dead long before the massacre. cold and hollow, veins pushing nothing but frigid air through brendon's body. but here, fire burnt warm in the living room and music and smoke drifted through the air.   
days fell into weeks and brendon had never been happier. he felt dylan being burnt into his skin softly by every brush of franks hand against his. frank would ask for a morning cigarette in a raspy, "dyl baby?" gerard would laugh sadly at him as frank gave him a shot, "dylan!"   
brendon felt the unease, he knew the closeness of men amongst themselves was sin. but was all of this not? his father would grimace in disgust at brendon tucked into the arms of frank as they slept close fighting east coast winter. brendon knew many things about this were not okay. even gerard would seem unsettled when frank would pull dylan into his lap, pressing seemingly innocent kisses onto brendon's neck that made fiery bubbling pine spread across his veins. brendon couldn't find himself to mind, wandering hands and kisses were better than welts and bruises. brendon never said anything.   
"dyl?" frank asked, calling the boy over to the table in the kitchen.   
"uh huh frankie?" brendon scrambled to the kitchen excitedly, plopping himself on franks lap.   
frank laughed, smiling as he took a sip out of a mug. "how's my favorite boy?" frank had wrapped his arm around brendon's narrow shoulders, rubbing gently at his arm. brendon ignored the feeling of intrusion-reminiscent of overbearing fathers.   
"m'good!" dylan smiled widely, a soft rose petal laugh blooming through the air.   
"good that's what i like t' hear." frank's smile fell as he looked across the table to gerard. he was curled up on a chair, knees to his chest, biting as his fingers. gerard's being brought uncalled for tears to brendon's eyes. he was small, skin clinging to his bones much like brendon's did. his eyes were hollow and cold, heavy circles resting as setting suns against horizons. but above all, he looked scared. not of brendon but for him. there was a dread that fell out of his lips and into the air.   
"jus' tell him frank," gerard said, voice still so light and delicate. lilacs bleeding from his bitten lips like smoke.   
"we hafta' leave dyl-baby," frank sighed, looking down at the boy.   
"w-where are we goin'?" dylan asked, spikes of fear and rabbit chasing anxiety quickly.  
"we have to head out of town...far." frank sighed, letting his head rest on his hand. brendon could see something dark in his eyes, something that he should've ran from. wisps glowing blue floating circles around his irises. no hopeful glint in their otherworldly haze, only the fate of something sinister.   
"am i going? you're not leavin' me here alone are ya'?" brendon's voice cracked like a snapped violin string. a symphony of uncertainty flooding his nerves. mahogany based cellos were graced with bows heavy drenched in the resin of fear.   
"sugar i would bring ya if i could okay? i would. i want to so-"  
"he can't, dylan," gerard cut in quickly.   
"gee either he comes with us or he goes to dal. you honestly think he'd be better off there?"  
"just let him leave frank! just let him go-"   
the slap that sounded, cutting off gerard as he yelled across the small table, echoed through the carved bones of brendon's ribs. it began devouring him, eating away at the enamel surrounding the marrow. memories of late night arguments and hiding under blankets. hands pressed together and bruised yellow knees from prayer prayer prayer.   
gerard's usually milk pale skin was flaming strawberry red in tone with his hair. his eyes glassy and sitting now on the ground, staring down at the scuffed hard wood floors. he stood on his gangly but feminine legs, and brendon saw himself in gee. the anger shaking his bones, the tears unable to fight cradling his eyes, fiery pain throbbing guilt. even their looks: circles under his eyes from sleepless nights and parties, long and skinny limbs, the gentle androgyny that stitched his figure. and brendon wished he could tell dylan why that was. their similarities were no coincidence.   
gee had stood up quickly after that, rushing past frank and up the stairs. frank sighed and looked back at brendon. "you can live with dallon." he shook his head, pulling the sleeves of his army green jacket up. brendon felt a cold storm freeze everything around him as he shook frostbite terror from his heart.   
"f-frank, why? can't i jus' go with you an' gee?" hot fire burnt behind brendon's eyes and in the back of his throat as if he had taken a shot. he was fearful now for a life with a man who, with every passing minute seemed to be glitching in and out of this realm, taking form of brendon's father.   
"but flower you know dallon remember? he's tall, nice hair? you like him, he showed you how to smoke remembered?" frank giggled, poking softly at the soft spot of brendon's stomach-making him laugh.   
"yeah but...m' gonna miss you frank i don't wanna leave you," brendon shook, his knees feeling weak. that hypothermia ridden anxiety began locking his joints.   
"i know baby..." frank shook his head, staring off into the main room through the wide opened walls of the kitchen. "how about this, we all go together with dal?"   
"you and me together?"   
"sure dyl," frank smiled, lighting a cigarette between his lips.   
brendon jumped up, spinning around excitedly and jumping into franks arms. "thank you thank you thank you!! where are we goin!"   
"well that's a secret, gumdrop."   
brendon huffed unhappily. "okay fine!" brendon giggled, taking franks cig from between his fingers and taking a drag.   
frank smiled, stealing it back playfully shoving brendon, grabbing him back and kissing the top of his head. "go to bed now will ya? it's late."  
"okay...are ya comin' to bed soon?"   
"i need to go out but i shouldn't be too long. tell gerard he needs to come downstairs too okay?"   
"uh huh." brendon ran quickly up the stairs, a slight rush flooding his young veins from buzz of nicotine. he knocked on gerard's door, down the hall slightly from brendon and frank's. he knocked on the door softly but gathered no reply. he creaked the door open and slid into the room. it was pitch black, small pieces of clothing spread across the maroon floor haphazardly. the door to the balcony was cracked and white curtains were alight with moon reflected glow, waving in front of gerard standing hunched over the rail.   
"gee?" brendon spoke up, his small voice breaking the sound of city wind.   
"dyl-i. i'm sorry you had t' see that earlier. he's not usually mean ya' know that." gerard took a hit of his cig and tossed it down onto the ground.   
"i know. he said he needs ya' to go somewhere with him tonight. to go downstairs now."   
gerard's eyes went wide but nodded, grabbing brendon's hand and walking the both of them back downstairs. brendon could feel his quickened pulse through their laced fingers. as they walked down the stairs, franks eyes caught brendon's and he smiled.   
"there's my two favorite boys huh? now that we have all that cleared up," frank walked toward them and picked brendon up, pressing a big kiss to his cheek before setting him down. "be good baby. for me okay?"   
brendon looked confused but nodded. "you're comin' back tonight though r-right?"   
"mhm. just we'll be a little late, get some rest okay? don't worry about the house either, mikes is in the living room he'll be here all night so no need to be afraid."   
brendon nodded again, hugging frank's leg. "m gnn' miss' yu' i wuv' yu' " he grumbled into frank's thigh.   
"...i'll miss ya' too sprout," frank kissed him quickly and brendon fought the way his stomach churned as franks lips pressed against his. the way they burnt for long after frank pulled away.   
brendon found himself being walked up the stairs by one of the men who stopped by almost every day, frank and gee turning to leave the house.   
brendon felt a twisting in his gut as he slept that night, his ears always waiting for the sound of the front door and the liquor cabinet opening. he fell asleep waiting, wearing franks t shirt and tucked in a ball on his pillow.   
his heart melted painfully into the mattress with every hour that passed waiting for the two men.   
brendon assumed his heart was candied syrup by now.


	28. oasis

frank never came back to the house. with each hour that passed on the sleepless night, an impossible pain burning heavy in his lungs. frank's overbearingness was all brendon ached when he realized frank would never come back for him. maybe if he had kissed back, or begged. he would do anything for him, the smoky scent of franks t shirt pressed into brendon's nose. he went downstairs and made mikey tattoo a small F on brendon's thigh.   
dallon came for him that morning. brendon punched, kicked, and screamed as he was dragged from the house. his house. his first home. only good memories, only warmth in pain, frank and gee. frank.   
from then on, dylan began burning inside his lungs heavy. dallon trained him like a dog, attempting to fill the role of caretaker that frank fit so well but twisting it into a hellish snuff nightmare. red branding onto skin bubbling pale flesh where an F was stick and poked messily. the flame melting the ink and hair off brendon's peach milk skin.   
"i'm sorry dylan but even frank knew it was for the best," dallon sighed. his voice was poison as he poured new religions into brendon's mind. programs of god as a new man to decide the path a new dylan to walk down. mormon script replaced with dallon as savior and christ; to subdue childhood fear of adolescent failure and death. brendon's anxiety and kidnapped pain brainwashed as thunder storms passed over head of dusty ash ridden cars and grime ridden hotels. brendon would tuck himself under dirt blood stained blankets, holding franks t shirt so hard his knuckles had white petals blooming down the bent bones. hand roaming over the sensitive scabbing flesh of the branding, eyes fluttering closed as he thought of teary eyes as small needle shoved into soft flesh. some attempt to reflect the dark art that painted franks arms like murals dripping down burning walls. even in learning that these men, even frank, had a singular interest in the youthful androgyny of dylan. predator and pray masked by capitalistic venture into sin.   
dallon used dylan to his liking, whenever and wherever. dylan had learned to be good and keep quiet, to respond in the correct ways. dylan never cried or fought back; brendon did. he screamed and threw himself back and forth in attempt to break free the bonds restricting his wrists and legs like knowledge and trust found in the spine of the snake of eden coiling around never pure flesh.   
and the pleasantries of the nightmare forged friends were nothing more than that. a dance between two big men, never pretty like frank. strong features spread over their faces. cerberus multitude of heads staring down dylan like a piece of meat.   
by the time he was ten, he still only wore franks t-shirt. but the aching pain of abandonment was fogged over by pills and needles finding their way under his flesh and in his blood. the real drug was dallon though, the way his face would drop into a soft smile when brendon would beg for a belt wrapped around his forearm. his almost proud glow as the needle dug into brendon's veins and lit his insides with a burning buzzing warmth. hot passionate fire alighting his bones he would tell dallon he loved him. in drones of "thank you thank you thank you" and "i love you m' in love with ya'". dallon would latch his lips to brendon's neck but careful to leave no marks- bad for business. he would grip painfully tight at the now healed brand on dylan's thigh. the poison of his destruction of brendon's mind and body was muffled by the heroin, making it almost bearable. but when the high went down guilt began spilling into his stomach. painful aches reverberated through his split ribs and he would cry into franks shirt, grasping it like a rosary. whispering mantras of jumbled prayer for death, of anything but this tortured repetition of pain, high, fear.   
the first time brendon was carried over the nevada border, brendon knew this was where he would die. vegas was something near an abomination to any morality or religion. sand storms washing away inhibitions with every fix of picked poison. vegas to a ten year old was enormous, towering buildings and lights blinding. sky falling onto itself in a painfully sun soaked emptiness. as brendon grew, the city collapsed, every street so familiar, faces blending together. it was easy to feel trapped in this oasis of sin within purified desert.   
dylan was popular on the strip; he was valued by these men in suits that seemed like a complete other species. eyes cold and unforgiving, families of their own back east, vegas the hidden horror of their interests behind locked doors and private browsers. brendon's stomach recoiled when he thought of the images of him still being flooded through dark web forums and streams. money made from his stolen privacy and trauma. the destruction of every shred of pride or dignity brendon had attempted to construct within his bones. ten years old and dragged on leash to parties full of cocaine heroin and disgusting men's favorite drug which dallon delivered in brendon and other boys.   
vegas became home, ten to eighteen. nearly half a life that wasn't a life at all stuffed into motels. by sixteen he was stuck out on the corner to scavenge on like old meat. every inch of his flesh ripped and passed around like a joint. dallon had explained he was undesirable now to many clients, the youthful glow of his face falling into teenage awkwardness. he was scraps until seventeen. hand jobs and the occasional fuck against an alley way was all the work brendon got. dallon's focus drifted off dylan and onto other boys that came and went through the city, flying them to big events and dressing them in the finest clothes. readying them like a pig for slaughter, their small innocent faces falling into false trust before they're tossed to lions. preying on innocence, gnashing their purity with long claws and ties. the front's of their dress shirts splattered with sweat and blood, distant empty eyes full of death would stare at brendon. the less desirable, the less dallon cared, letting brendon become the toy for the rough and desperate. scars began to litter his body as unremovable remembrance.   
by the time gangly teen turned delicate and smooth, dallon had him with high paying clients again. but the years of scraps were evident within his eyes. a heavy watery shadow glassing over his irises, anger and resentment falling. brendon built his wall, tooth and nail. obeyed dallon and clients but took no shit from anyone else, a graveyard spread through the scar on his chest. cold stone freezing his heart. an empty hollow void eating away at his soul. the hollowing of his mind let dylan become the perfect client. ease of mask allowed him to bubble a fake personality to appease the very men that ruined him.   
brendon knew he would die in vegas. even though he was hundreds of miles away. he knew he could never escape dallon, this had no exit fee and as long as brendon was alive, they'd be looking for him. eyes in every major city, the brand on his thigh tied him down more than the rope ever could. brendon's frozen soul ached for something, he wanted freedom, he wanted to peel the brand off his skin. but despite this, even though he now understood that walking into that row home in ohio was when his death began, he still had frank's t-shirt.


	29. home

the orange sunset contained in small campfire was birthing hefty flames, warming the bare legs of the boys sat around it. brendon's eyes up, locking with constellations easily. ryan smiling off to the waves as his hand worked softly over the strings of his guitar, all singing along to an old song of forgotten title. josh and tyler's hands laced together, souls melted gorgeously into the fire and cardboard fueling it. no wood to be lit, angel limbs never purified in flame for their divinity is rooted in the earth itself.  
old pasts connecting to the now of angel bones creating powdered sands on the beaches of the coast.  
      together they came up with a new destination; home. no wandering and running, if dallon wanted brendon, he would have found him by now. he had the power to. if ryan's dad loved him- if kelly wanted tyler-if josh's family was against him loosing dreams to run after love- they all would have been 'home'. not truly home, more back, somewhere they had been once.   
      "we should go home," ryan said, simply and softly almost singing along to the gentle guitar string plucking.   
      "why would we go back?" brendon was beyond confused, ryan hated vegas. ryan explained the pain buried in the apartment he shared with his father. the painful constant emptiness and tiring routine of being a punching bag. open skies masked his whole life spent in desert emptiness. greed and sin spilling from the sands.   
     "not old houses. a new home...our home."   
     "where?" josh asked as he leaned back against tyler who held josh securely in his lap. tyler gripped josh's waist loosely as his eyes pondered the where. the empty roads had been beginning to look the same and flat landscapes blending together in a meaningless run of parking lots, local diners, and cheap liquor. but his boys; it's like seeing them for the first time every time tyler looked at them. josh's strong but gentle features echoing the combination of lines and shapes that make up the frame of a home. ryan's delicate simplicity feeling like warm newly fallen rain pattering on a rooftop. brendon's familiarity and mystery in one; a new person from old friend bones. they were his home. and he understood ryan's words.   
     "wherever." ryan; the comfort and calm safety in his words wrapped around tyler like old branches and wings. angels uprooting old poison homes and growing anew.   
     tyler smiles, josh does too.   
     brandon nods, tossing his cig butt into the fire. "a home." the last home he had, the last time before meeting these boys, was frank. was raising pig for slaughter and manipulation of young mind predisposed with guilt. few weeks doesn't make a home, but frank did. his dad didn't. brendon hoped-prayed for a constant home. for truth in love and devotion. but even so soon, he trusts these boys with his life and his heart; broken so many times. ryan's gentle love, josh's kind love, tyler's passionate love. home was love so as far as brendon's concerned, anywhere with them is home. so why not make one together?


	30. august secrets

take this to your grave; secrets lips sewn shut. tyler holds promises beyond coffins and decomposition. death escapes him with every reincarnate.   
the stories, the lives of others, are as immortal as tyler. the flowing of turn of the century whispered in hushed tones, biblical swears on empty sky. they will live on through the continuous flowing and tangling of life lines.   
brendon's life was everything tyler wished his own death for. he had always been safe in the thought that his true brendon was safe, slowly being reborn in the rich oaks of faerie meadows, cared for by the dryads that cultivated him in newly bloomed buttercups. the herbs of live being given back as they dissolve into flesh. healing slowly, only to be returned good as new. this brendon hadn't had the at least peaceful emptiness of end- tyler remembers death in the demons clawing for him, for the void of mind as he waits for new vessel. trapped in that twilight oceanic highway horizon.  
     the strings of fate choke around josh's neck near erotically. he allows tyler's tangling of lives to pull him in the river styx. dying as he lives a life with an undead lover. blushing, cheeks red hot as tyler's ribs crack around his throat. always there, nibbling at tyler's fingers awaiting something. his submission is definite.  
ryan will die with himself, tyler, brendon, and josh. his quiet, kind, love with sink deep into their flesh and veins. staining the dirt above their coffins, sinking into the wood like a cherry varnish. his existence spans the entire ocean but his love with be held inside the tetra heart. ryan's secrets, his family, his pain that bubbled within the casm of his chest was sealed for so long. he lets it out of his skin in small slits, bleeding like new wounds.   
their home is a promise; created from every one of them. as rooted within tyler as it was in all. take it to his grave this home would be kept safe. golden tar candying his heart like an apple, locked with bronze key.   
the red and blue poured out of the lock, familiar home, old memories made so soon. from brendon's skewed portrayal in mind's eye, to josh's constant but faded force burnt out from december, or ryan's ominous comfortability as he seems to have been under tyler's skin as long as the others.   
tyler sleeps now, in the passenger seat. josh drives down long dark highways lit only with neon glow, his hand resting on tyler's leg as it was thrown across his lap. ryan and brendon let soft orchestras of moans between their lips as the smell of rose and lust burns heavier than the smoke sunken into the mattress and seats. tyler's burning for beautiful mutilation is lessened as he turns back and watches the red strings tangle as their legs do. becoming impossibly more knotted within the other. their skin bubblegum sticky as the sweat from the hot california nights, dripped onto their lips as they kissed. tyler slips out of the seat and rests on the side of the mattress, fingers getting bitten. his eyes catch on brendon's.   
as the orchestra turns symphony, musical bed blending into scattered sheet music, tyler burns his divine gaze and right into his boys. his own string wrapping and tying itself around dual hearts, roping in them in as a siren. ear piercing angelic hymns dripping from the heavens. luring love into the life of anathema; into cursed and banished. trying to claw his way home when his wings have been swapped for a dog tooth smile that haunted him.   
beauty runs deep in these hearts and bones. tyler will never not be captivated with each and every one of them. even as they and their homes grow old, new secrets will be threaded into veins from heart strings.  
he sleeps with gold ichor dripping from his eyes. sleep coming in waves of whisper echo silence. glittering calmness soaking into the air.   
ryan is curled in brendon's chest and tyler slides back into the front row, cigarette between his fingers and ryan's sweatshirt making his head dizzy with comfort. he sees gold flakes rain down like snow from bleeding clouds. collecting on windshield wipers that josh wipes away. cold glass calms a burning mind, the window acting as pillow as his brain melds into gold and nicotine.


	31. rain down

destroy me. 

the rain came down hard. with it ryan lost himself in lyrics scribbling north. the long car rides inspired his pen, crumbled paper building up in the corners of the van. tyler found himself in those discarded bits of ryan's mind. so reminiscent of the days cataloging his own brain to attempt to make sense of it all.   
      ryan's ramblings were more or less a beautiful blooming of love and distress found in his own storms. they're delicate, written with a soft hand gliding cursive across note pages. tyler's feverish words were nothing but a mad mans gibberish compared to the intricate lace of ryan's voice and songs.   
      the rain drops onto ryan's skin and his spindly bones seem to ache for the heavy downpour.   
      tyler can breathe in ryan's storms, the holy water bleeding crystals onto him. tyler never feared the uncertainty of thunder and lighting; he understood it. the angels being struck down from heaven and split with every strike. but now, as the forests of divinity are redwood, none are cursed.  
tyler's mind melted back into a dissociative twisting angel wings dipped in amber. ryan's smooth voice echoing through the van poured into tyler's ears becoming progressively blocked by burning irises.  
brendon noticed before anyone, the way tyler's dog like loyalty melted into the window panes. he would usually spend hours staring at brendon, running his fingers across the surface of his face and the curves of his skin. like he was mapping it in his mind. now that map has been lost at sea.   
he migrated off his boyfriend's laps and favored the passengers seat. he would mumble to josh for hours and hours. brendon envied josh's patience with tyler. the way josh nodded and would make small comments that made tyler's arms flap happily as his rambling quickened. josh was never intimidated by the disorganized speech that spilled from tyler's lips. he would speak like a philosopher or writing some sort of essay. tyler knew so many words brendon didn't. as if it wasn't already difficult enough for brendon to understand the bizarre boy that wormed his way into brendon's life. the boy that saved him with this religious like devotion to protecting brendon. to ridding this earth of dylan.   
"bren?" tyler said one day, soft voice breaking from the amount of smoke pumped in and out of his lungs.   
"yeah ty?"   
"you know you're the sky? right?"  
and here we go. ryan was the ocean, brendon the sky, josh-fire, and tyler never explained what he was. just left it hanging in the rants of overgrown ivy and faerie tales. "what d'ya mean?"  
tyler turned his eyes upwards. "it's a million different colors; every hue appears in one way or another. from clear warm blue skies to dark electric storms. it's dangerous and unpredictable but it's the gateway to heavens and to other worlds. and you, you are all of those. your heart is covered in the clouds formed from the water bled from ryan's veins." ryan peeked out from behind his notebook at that, a gentle but confused smile on his face. "your veins are the lines of lightening charged with heat in josh."  
"what about you?"  
tyler went still, pondering angel limb roots and the moss grown from dying forest spirits and fauns. the rotting wet earth holding his heart, pumping dark blood into the dirt. fallen late summer leaves splattered behind tyler's brain. what about him? what was he?   
he was an angel, fallen but not quite. raised by fae, tortured by devil in blonde. cradled by elemental hearts, and lost in past lives. he's been so many people at all different times, different dimensions.   
that highway void of cars but full of lights, purple storm clouds and night waves crashing against deep woods. coming back there, where the sky is painted with galaxies and eyes blinking down at him. it all came back there. every life, brain, time, and heart  
for now, tyler is tyler. tyler is eighteen, in love with his boyfriends, he's going to make a home with them. and that's all that he needs.   
"i'm tyler. and i love you all." tyler felt a hot tear paint his cheek, rolling like a rain drop down a window. he kissed brendon softly, leaning himself over the front seat.


	32. lemonade

the rain clears, the skies open in wide maps of sunlight. josh's hair is yellow now, somehow he looks even more ethereal. his delicate curls soft sunflower swirls that tyler's hands find easily, tugging and playing with them. he doesn't know he's the sun, the yellow lines on every road from here to ohio, tyler's heart begins bleeding lemonade.  
josh's guts feel as if they're crystallizing inside him. tyler spends so much time with brendon. he's in brendon's lap, kissing brendon's neck, talking in hushed tones for hours in the corner of the van where josh can't hear because he's driving. he's not worried, but that jealousy burns inside him and he can feel this yellow turning green.  
"i don't know ry... it's not like i'm mad that brendon is a part of this and i don't want tyler all to myself or anythin'-"  
"but..." ryan cuts in.  
josh sighs, "but... they're always together and he never pays me any attention."  
"i know what you mean, both of them have been trapped in a bubble."  
\-----  
tyler decides easily that he will make it his duty as a servant of divine eyes and an angel of this earth, to show brendon that love is not to be feared. he wants to understand the love gone wrong for brendon, and he almost does. he learns quickly that dallon may have been the devil in brendon's story but the serpent's cave was where his heart lay. the serpent was frank. promise of not knowledge but love. tainting the already bruised heart of the boy.  
he doesn't need to know more, all he needs to know that a child was taken advantage of. that pure raspberry blood was tainted by the hands of man. that brendon's soft skin had been scarred the moment he was born into a new life. into a life with ohio mormon family, his mouth stuffed with knives. switchblades splitting open his lips and leaving gashes in his skin as they fell.  
his life was that house, the caged infinite hallway. moving and aging but never leaving the narrow path. doors opening only to be slammed, screaming echoing down the corridors. coughing up the thick blood from throats marred by blades. acid poured past rose lips, mangling the voice and mind.  
frank was just another path of unknown end. another infinity of blades stabbed into brendon's chest and throat. butterfly knives in his stomach every time franks hands traced his skin.  
the ultimate caged trail was vegas. never ending always moving, a highway with no exits. living every day as a hike to nowhere, body depleted and starved. they paid for his pain. paid for the way he looked like he may die any minute. humanities attraction to death was obvious. the most beautiful woman or man, is the sickly, stick thin, weak and fragile half alive. it went beyond this of course, the closer he was to dying- the more the men got off. the more blood, more bruises, less air. a limp toy to stab at was all they wanted. and this hallway shot arrows through his flesh with every step. and even when dallon would come in, stitch him up and give him water. he hated himself for curling into his arms, never crying. just letting his head, feeling it melting and spinning from blood loss, rest on dallon's chest. let himself be carried back to the house where he would sleep until he had another job. this hallway fell apart, rotting and ripping at the seams when a small tan boy ran across traffic and stumbled in front of dylan-not brendon. tyler set flames to the empty walls and forced him off the highway. that highway, as tyler described, is what was leading him to them. those yellow lines ran through each and every one of their minds, reflecting out of josh's lemon curls. ryan was the one who guided him out of the wreckage, a gentle hand locked with his. josh was something like the stars, ever present and strong. comforting brendon with the simplest of words.  
brendon sobbed into tyler's chest, being rocked gently as his near savior's soft voice hummed a hymn for love.  
"can you kiss me?" brendon asked, his nose red and dark eyes glittering with tears. he didn't know why he wanted a kiss while he was mourning the trauma of his life but the way tyler's lips slid gently against his was an antidote. never erasing the pain, never curing completely. but the relief in warm love of tyler's baby's breath lips blooming against rose petals, was enough.  
\------  
josh loved ryan. he realized this fully that night. as brendon and tyler slept in the back, ryan decided they should stop the car. they pulled off in a state park, redwood trees blocking most light from the road. they left the car off, walked down the side of the road. ryan's presence was a warm cloud that engulfed josh's anxiety. the rain washed the nerves of jealousy away with ryan's hand in his.  
fear was found home inside the soft beating ocean heart. his petrified mortal breath came in songs out of his lungs but they were hushed with the rush of rain pouring through ryan's veins. he wasn't afraid now. he understood the multifaceted bond between the four lovers now. the trusting weave of red thread and roads that connected them all. darkness fading around the warm light of their hearts connected.  
ryan and him sat beneath the branches of the trees, sharing a cigarette with little words exchanged. just soft kisses filled with smoke and the scent of wet earth.  
and when they did return to the van, and josh saw tyler and brendon wrapped in each other's arms like forests reclaiming the dead corpses of deer, he smiled. laying next to ryan on the mattress.


	33. possession

heavy on the brain. soaked in honey, dripping heavy on the skull. it's autumn. the ohio trees are burning amber, barren branches and chapped lips cracking. it began when demons needed warm skin. cold bones craved the youthful innocence. feet walked down narrow paths in open woods. darkness clinging heavily onto the shadows of trees.  
      siblings realizing the soft peculiarities of his personality. oldest brother leaving at dark, locked doors and long nights. pills piling up in medicine cabinets and driving to therapists. babbling incoherently about a faerie born into human home, about forest spirits and brendon from down the road.  
      after the day where news vans blocked the streets, childhood faerie tales stopped before tyler spoke. the dead family causing a half death inside eight year old heart.  
       it was like a possession, demon creeping in through the floorboards and through the vents. breathed in by tyler like smoke, infecting unlit corners and whispers in the wind coming from open windows. crucifixes cluttering nightstands.  
      tyler's room became isolated. end of the hallway lights turned off. a separate world from soccer practices and church events. and when the kids heard the turning of tyler's door knob at late hours, they went back to sleep.  
     a boy with curls pulling tyler away, only smiles slipping across his lips coming from running off hand in hand. underneath slides and climbing trees, watching as tyler mumbles as he points to the clouds. those elementary school hallways acting as if tyler estranged from the joseph name. guidance counseling announcements and empty desks became regular and tyler was cut out of the picture easily. and as he aged, the sound of speaking to himself echoed through the house. window always open and feet sliding across shingles, down the tree. into the arms of the small curly haired boy. or though empty cornfields to deep woods, gone until the sun crawls into the horizon.  
      to tyler, it hurt. zach and maddy running far from him once they got dropped at school. not stopping in to ask him to join games. watching his siblings eyes avoid him at dinner felt as painful as his first broken bone. he stopped eating. missing dinner allowed nonexistent guilt to bleed out of his siblings hearts. it began the addiction to self mutilation. becoming fascinated with how his eyes began to sink into his head. the way his skin clung to his bones and his stomach caved. and when december hands gripped jagged hips, nothing was mentioned.  
     continuing as tyler's spine stretched, oak roots wrapping around it. he was gone. flushed pills gave the forest chance to swallow him whole once again. gold and black blood staining bathroom floors, ambulance calls on cold nights.  
       into that permafrost poison.  
      tyler knew that when he left for good, they weren't looking for him. no doubt passed over his mind when he watched the state signs change.  
\-----  
he still feels his own coffin. late at night when the sun disappeared into the southern hemisphere. he feels the dirt laying heavy on his chest. the constant feeling of falling helplessly into a deep dug out grave. trapped inside a wooden, clawed at cage.  
he shakes as a cig fits its way into his mouth. he wished for the lightning strikes to strike down his spine. he hopes they can all ignore his plea. to leave. to rid himself again of mortal coils and return back to the ripping and desperate destruction of his own body. he doesn't want to wait for his brain and form to melt into the ground. to watch those he loves fall victim to the earth. to watch the sun and moon chase endlessly until they crack within his bones.  
he's fallen headfirst, into a love he can't comprehend. into josh. into the arms of his forever cherub. into ryan, waves pulling him close-lost at sea. into warm mornings found inside brendon.  
they keep him grounded, stuck inside humanity. in summer sweat slick bodies and purple bruises littering his neck and chest. he knows soon the shaking snow will fall again. freezing over the paths they've traveled, washing white december void over his irises. cold ash penetrating his bloodstream. his joints cracking as his steps slow.  
he can feel it. the ghost of winter. in every shed tear and shivering hearts will beat faster as he prays for the summer heat to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like i'm losing my grip


	34. oblivion

calling out for void. aching and pulling at his chest on lonely nights. too many cigarette butts collecting at his feet. tears slipping down wet cheeks. escapism only a few hits away but craving the pain that bled and spread into his fingertips. shaking shaking hands and empty nights. ignoring the plea of high, of swirling mind numb. of easily falling into the earth, washed away by salted seas.   
      tyler believes his never felt this alone. though his boys were feet away, the van doors were closed. he sat on the curb all night. watching the dirt road lacking of cars passing.   
      brown eyes bubbling over as his cheeks flushed with every broken sob. he felt like he was dying. like every other death that occurred with his heart as a host. remembering the soft river pulling him under, bright headlights passing quickly. head dizzy with blood loss. final bows, the demons marring yet another vessel. bringing him back for one last bloody battle.  
      sleeping that night felt like a sin in itself. there's a blockage in his heart, something not pumping right. an aching freezing cold that twisted at his chest.   
no warm water could melt the frost screaming december. and they were right. called by any other name, death is unequivocal. flashing images of heavy liquid pouring from his body and stitches forced through his disfigured flesh. maggots gnawing at his decomposing soul as it fades out of his body. lungs burning and heavy with tar.   
he could hear the pleas flowing from the trees. begging in josh's voice for him to stay. to ground himself in the home they lazily daydreamed about.   
guilt spilled out of a sob as he realized even his lionhearted love couldn't distract his mind forever. every step and breath he takes is a movement toward his end. falling into a pattern of life and rebirth. always clawing for the drop. the sleep never ending. life itself playing on a dingy drive-in theater screen, replaying every second of this vessels occupation of time. his grave so close. angel song bleeding from the heavens calling him home.   
go home leave leave leave. leave everything behind and follow the sound of charred heartbeat. of faerie lore driven purpose, focusing fully on world beyond direct earth. lock the door behind his own path to dead eyed marches. winter storm coming down from columbus onto the top of his head. soaking through his skull as melted snow.  
as he stands on shaking legs, he barely makes it one step before collapsing. too loud sobs and quick breathing. his heart is the beat to a war hymn he can't place. heavy winds push the air from his lungs as his hands grasp at the gravel.   
faintly, he hears the back doors of the van open. his face is pressed against the road, marked with indents of rocks. all he feels is the hurt as his vessel is carried back into the car. ghost hands touching him everywhere and those pleas seem more real now than ever. even under the ear ringing loudness of the wind whipping around his brain.   
he lets himself fall into the arms of fate as he dozes off.


	35. pine lust

ryan was at a loss for words. he couldn't begin to describe his life now. the woods and road became a home, but the desire burning within him was for his boys. he kept it mostly to himself, but he had a hunger within him that was growing with every day. he's never wanted anything more. all of the nerves in his body craved them.  
ryan felt bad for it, for the constant needing of skin against skin. his lips always gliding softly against brendon's hand as they sat in the back of the van. or the soft grinding against josh when he sat on ryan's lap as they made out on the increasingly frigid nights. with tyler, he never was hungrier. tyler had something dark behind his eyes, sharpened teeth almost begged to sink into ryan's lips.   
tyler's explained it to ryan, just lightly. that he had golden divine need, that this road running through their minds needed physical connection. the sometimes too rough forceful fission of two. to mix blood through red lipped kisses, dig into the others skin with short nails. ryan understood it, so so clearly it nearly intimidated tyler.  
      but not long after, tyler found himself yearning for ryan. his lean form towering over tyler, causing tyler to bite his lip with sharpened canines. blood pooling down his lip for ryan to lick clean. they were dangerous together. earthquakes and tsunamis created when the land met the sea, powerful devastating chaos.   
      ryan's fingers left bruises over tyler's hips and hurt him in the most glorious, pious way.   
      tyler is blessed that they always do this in the dark. pitch black with only passing street lamps pouring dim light into the back of the van. thankful that ryan can't see the tears that collect behind his eyes. mind flowing images of the closet. of those large wolf teeth gnawing through his bones. scalpels and needles sliding into his skin filling him with melted candy and heroin.   
       he would never tell ryan about how his rough hands sliding up tyler's thigh felt like claws. or how his amber eyes seemed too reflective in low light. ryan was no desert wolf, a beautiful wash of waves cleansed impure canines. but there was just the hunger. the desire as the ocean pulls the tides, reminiscent of trailer trapped in dust storms.   
as ryan's lips bite in claiming marks on the crook of tyler's neck, it feels like bruising restraints and brands. marked as forever another's. even as the lacerations faded.   
as a single tear falls from tyler's eyes, they kiss and he tastes the sea salt.  
        all ryan can think about is the faint gentle tear that slid into the tip of his tongue. even as they hauled tyler into the back of the van, reeking of cigarettes as his chest contracted in panicked breaths. he felt guilty, for being too rough. for allowing his own desires to bruise tyler's heart. let his own mind swim high on bloodlust and the taste of honey.


	36. house for a home

they settled in washington. home was the dingy house outside of seattle they began renting with the remainder of cash stolen from tyler's mom. the night they moved in was the night tyler had his panic attack. josh sped off to a listing he found, and begged the owner to give it to them tonight. brendon pulled tyler onto his lap, bouncing him up and down on his knee as ryan played with his hair and whispered apologizes into his ears.  
the foggy orange morning they walked in, door overgrown with ivy and rose bushes covering the windows, it felt like home. the overcast weeks hit them all hard, but the months of shine in between promised stability in fire and heat. the floors were squeaky wooden and the one bedroom meant four cheap mattresses laid next to each other. all cuddled in a pile of comforters they found in the cabinet that had been eaten slowly away at by moths. the kitchen was barely functioning, the pink bathtub stained, and the lights flickered constantly. but even then, it was heaven on earth.   
it was the only house tyler had ever lived that the walls didn't bleed. the stairway didn't feel like an ascension into hell or a higher purgatory. the lights weren't stuffed with eyes begging relief.   
the floors led only to his boys. ryan on the love seat in the living room, playing his guitar gently, rhythm to the raindrops. josh in the kitchen, making tea for brendon who was curled near the fireplace, wrapped up in ryan's sweater. he seemed like he could never get warm, skin always covered in goosebumps and bones to close to the flesh. and tyler, aimlessly wandering the halls until he found the front porch. sitting on the staircase and nursing a cigarette between his lips.   
and that's how it was, all day every day. unless tyler went to plant more trees in the backyard, or ryan and josh went out to find work.  
in a month or two josh ended up becoming a waiter for a small diner a bit into the city, he enjoyed small talk with the people passing through. he said it reminded him of every dingy restaurant from here to ohio. of the days they spent huddled against each other on the parking lot curbs and splitting coffees.   
ryan played guitar in the heart of seattle, singing smooth and soft in a cafe on his breaks from being a barista. sometimes tyler would join him. josh and brendon too. seattle streets filled with a range of soft and strong voices. it was heaven and angel songs and tyler smiled wide. his sharp tooth smile lighting up every alleyway.  
and when they go home, and curl up on their mattresses, it feels safe. the candles circling the room casting dark shadows. tyler becomes aware of the gentle pixies that live in his hanging pots, the brownie that steals his left socks, but it's familiar. brendon lets him ramble on nights where he believes in the faerie tales. ryan and josh in the tub, sharing a bowl.   
it was safety like none of them had ever known. brendon washed the memories of vegas away with sleepy time tea. tyler forgot ohio during the first frost. fireplace roaring as they all tucked into each other. tyler slept through the night and he realized now, that higher heavens can wait. for these days, in this vessel, on this earth. he should hold onto these boys. josh with every red and blue first love desire. brendon in pure comfort and roses. ryan in soft creation and lovely lavender fields by the coast.   
the eyes can stare all the want, the faeries and angels can sing until their hearts spill from their ribs. tyler is home. for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i may be ending this and doing a different story about different past lives that i explained through tyler. and a separate one about brendon. i'm not sure. but either way this story means a lot to me considering it's all based off my own delusions just told through tyler.


End file.
